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Catching up on journals, I have to say that I envy those who seem to be finding their niche in life. I still seem to be lost and adrift when it comes to certain things, and I wonder when my time will come. Magically speaking, I'm half at an impasse....I have my little patch of the path, and it doesn't seem to grow much. I think that maybe I'm not meant to see the rest of the path...but then I have to wonder why I can't? I mean, I know nothing specific....but, can I at least know there's a path for me? Perhaps I'm on the wrong path, and that's why I don't see it. I don't mind that so much, except, that I don't know where to begin finding the right path.
And lately, my life has been pretty much the house and the baby. I feel stuck. Not in a I'm going to leave everything behind because I'm going nowhere kind of stuck...if that makes sense. Just..stuck. Like I'm rooted to this spot..and I wonder when it'll be time for me to move on again. I talk to people...and I find that I talk about my son the most. Not that this is bad...but, not everyone wants to hear the nitty gritty details of my 4 month old. Unfortunately, he's what I have to talk about. I could talk about my cat...but, really, even he's not associating with me much lately.
Alienated and alone. I feel so disconnected from the rest of the world sometimes. I keep thinking 'if I do this or that' things will get better....but, I don't seem to motivate myself real well to do those things. And when I do, I feel good...for a little while. Then it all starts again. I have my son....I have my computer. Lately, I've begun to feel like ....I don't know. I'm a convenience. I try to talk to him...but, communication is supposed to work both ways. I don't even get it on simple things so much anymore. Its all the little things he used to do .....*sigh*
I got some hair dye. Its not a lot..but maybe it'll help freshen me up some. Its time for a change, I know that....I'm going to go stir crazy otherwise. Even my journal of late has been lacking. Filled with the menial things I do with my day, if that. When I look at things, I wonder if I'm fighting depression or if my observations are what they are. I feel like I'm spiraling. I mean, post partum is only supposed to last the 4-6 weeks, right? Maybe I've had depression all along and just dealt with it....
I don't know anymore. I hate feeling 'stuck'.

Comments

( 3 comments — Drop A Feather )
prophetofrage
Oct. 30th, 2003 03:08 am (UTC)
That stuck feeling feeling has a tendency to stick I've discovered. It's hard to shake. I wish you the best in losing it.
feath
Oct. 30th, 2003 04:01 am (UTC)
Take the baby and take a walk. Go out. Any where. To the mall, to the zoo, around the block. If you can do this WITHOUT the baby, even better. You need you time. and you need to expand yourself out past the walls of your home.
Been there, done that. Got the sticker book.
angiebrat
Oct. 30th, 2003 07:36 am (UTC)
think that maybe I'm not meant to see the rest of the path...but then I have to wonder why I can't? I mean, I know nothing specific....but, can I at least know there's a path for me? Perhaps I'm on the wrong path, and that's why I don't see it.

hunny, don't feel bad... I've not found my path yet either and it started to concern me... it will come in time... just keep studying like you are and practicing like you are... that's what I'm doing...
( 3 comments — Drop A Feather )