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Sep. 2nd, 2005

Its come to my attention that not everyone is happy with my last post. I'm not entirely sure how to respond....I have a couple options. I can reset my filters, and hope that it doesn't cause more drama, or I can deal with the small bits that come in my email. Frankly, I have nothing to hide...and if one wants to read my journal, that is one's choice. I shouldn't have edit or filter what I say.
I want to point out that last night wasn't about me being with someone new....it was about me. It was about me giving thought to the future - as the title said. It was me processing where my life is, and where I want it to be eventually. Am I 'over' things? Not necessarily. But, I do have to move on. I have the kids, and because of that, I can't be wallowing the past. I have to look toward the future and make some sort of plan...and though I don't have a plan for a new partner laid out, I do have some idea of what I'd like in general. I've learned from this last relationship, and for that I'm grateful. I haven't forgotten what it was, in the beginning or in the end.
The 'couple years' haven't been washed away, to be callously replaced by someone new. But, that doesn't mean that I can't move on. I am healing, as I should...as I need to. The process isn't complete yet, and that's okay. I have found someone to give my attention to, but for the moment, that's all it is. Its not a new daddy for the kids...I'm not entirely sure I'd even call it 'dating' per se. He's someone I can talk to, someone I can just be with, and that relaxes me. I have every right to become more social...every right to move on, to be happy with who I am, where I am and where I want to go with my life.
If someone can't allow that to happen, then I'm sorry. Its no longer about anyone else. Its about me.

Comments

( 2 comments — Drop A Feather )
(Deleted comment)
whitewolfjmi
Sep. 3rd, 2005 02:28 pm (UTC)
First - people who want you to censor your LJ to make them feel better can go take a flying leap. If they don't want to know what's going on in your life, don't read. If they want to know before you decide to talk about it here, maybe they ought to take the time to communicate more with you. Dunno. Either way, it's YOUR space. YOUR thoughts. YOUR story. If other people don't like it, they can go take a dip in the Sound and stew.

I have never gotten the impression that the last few years were ever anything less than significant and meaningful to you. You have two lovely babies to show for it, whom you love with all of your heart. When you create life with someone, your world is bound to theirs. It's that simple. There will always be pain and there will always be good times, even if only in memory. But it is your RIGHT - no, your RESPONSIBILITY - to not let the pain envelop your world. You are a mom. You don't get to wallow in bed for months on end with a pint of Ben and Jerry's in your lap so those who've left can feel better about themselves, or their buddies can feel like your handling this loss apropraitely.

You are not doing anything wrong.

I admit, having not been as close to you as we once were, and that we no longer live together, I haven't really seen what happened. But if I understood correctly, you weren't the one who left. If I'm wrong, I apologize. But what I see right now is that your a single mother raising two kids. It's my understanding that they are both with you, and you are soley responsible for them right now. You're being a lot more mature and responsible than people are giving you credit for. There is nothing equitable when it comes to how much you're dealing with and how much he's dealing with. He's not trying to figure out how to make a future with two children with him 24-7 -- you are. So, forgive me for being callous, but I have very little respect for anyone who's miffed because you're trying to move on in a situation that is HARD.

Don't listen to people who are implying you're not mourning your last relationship enough. Only you know how much you HAVE mourned, and how much more you likely will. Don't let them judge you. You're doing beautifully. I could not handle the place you're in with half the grace or dignity you've displayed. And unless these whiners have been where you are, I don't think they really get a right to say a damn thing about your life, your choices, or how you feel. Fuck them.

I'm here for you, if you need me. You can call anytime. I love you. Miss you. *hugs*
( 2 comments — Drop A Feather )

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