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I should have known better...

But, the masochist in me made me do it. Yeah. I read Tyr's journal. I wasn't prepared to hear about a possible interest in his life. *sigh* No, I didn't expect him to just sit still and do nothing..and I don't begrudge him being interested in another woman. After all, I've found other interests too, and it would be too much to ask that he not be. And inhuman. I just...wasn't ready for it. I'm not sure if I want to cry or not. Letting go is such a fucking pain.....but, I know that I have to, if I don't....*shrugs* I can't move on, and I have to. What choice do I have, really? I guess....as much as I'd like to think that I'm okay..maybe I'm really not. Maybe that's why reading it bothered me a little. Yes, I'll admit, I felt a pang of jealousy. *blows out a breath* Life goes on. I'll always love him, this much I know....but, he doesn't want me as a lover...so...yeah. Move on.
Tomorrow is my birthday....I'll be 29. I'm not sure how to feel about that either. It seemed so far away, until today. It seemed that I'd never get here...and, now that I am..what now? Its the last year of my 20's. *blink* It shouldn't be a huge deal I know..and in some respects it isn't. But...the last year of my 20's....there are goals, dreams, that have not been met. Things I wanted to do, that I didn't. Why? I don't know..maybe I thought I had forever in my 20s? I wanted to be married and have kids by this time..I'm not. Not that I feel a biological clock ticking or anything..I don't. I'm in no hurry to run out and find a man to marry..shit, I'm not entirely sure I'm over the last man enough to even consider a relationship with another. And kids, I know I'm not ready. So why then, this melancholy attitude, like I've missed something? I don't know. Maybe its just letting go of life plans as they are...? Happy birthday to me.

Comments

( 9 comments — Drop A Feather )
flamewing
May. 9th, 2002 11:43 am (UTC)
I so feel ya on that *huggles* it's a tough tough thing to do...but I am here for ya if you ever need to talk
onyxangel
May. 9th, 2002 12:13 pm (UTC)
Re:
*hugs* Thanks...
discordian
May. 9th, 2002 01:41 pm (UTC)
It's social conditioning. 29... pushing 30. Society dictates that a woman should either be maried with children or, especially here lately, have a career going. According to the proverbial "them", that's all there is to life. You work or you build a home and spit out babies. Everything else is marginal.
onyxangel
May. 9th, 2002 01:44 pm (UTC)
Re:
Yeah...true. These were personal goals as well. I have no career either...and I'm thinking, I don't want to work this kind of job the rest of my life. Its not that I feel like a failure...its just...I don't feel like a success either. Now, its just letting go...and accepting my life as it is, and being okay with it. Not to say that I can't or won't improve it...but, I should be happy with it.
winifred
May. 9th, 2002 05:20 pm (UTC)
Approaching 30 is hard. Turning 30 is easier than you'd think.

I thought the same things in my 29th year, and it was tough to deal with. It didn't help that THE relationship I thought I would grow old with was failing miserably at the time. Things get better. :) Hang in there.
onyxangel
May. 9th, 2002 05:40 pm (UTC)
Re:
*smiles* Thanks....
(Deleted comment)
onyxangel
May. 10th, 2002 03:20 am (UTC)
Re:
*chuckles*
angiebrat
May. 10th, 2002 09:01 am (UTC)
Birthdays are fun
sometimes...

Happy birthday hun!

For me I wasn't going to have my birthday off... but well it snowed the night before and it took me SEVERAL hours to get home from work and home isn't that far away.. *in renton* So I didn't get much sleep and called in. Glad I did tho... roommates did something for me..
Happy happy happy birthday.. do something wild for me too.. since everyone knows I have no time to do so myself lately.. or is it cuz I forget to...
onyxangel
May. 10th, 2002 04:54 pm (UTC)
Re: Birthdays are fun
Thanks :) I'll try
( 9 comments — Drop A Feather )