onyx (onyxangel) wrote,
onyx
onyxangel

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I should have known better...

But, the masochist in me made me do it. Yeah. I read Tyr's journal. I wasn't prepared to hear about a possible interest in his life. *sigh* No, I didn't expect him to just sit still and do nothing..and I don't begrudge him being interested in another woman. After all, I've found other interests too, and it would be too much to ask that he not be. And inhuman. I just...wasn't ready for it. I'm not sure if I want to cry or not. Letting go is such a fucking pain.....but, I know that I have to, if I don't....*shrugs* I can't move on, and I have to. What choice do I have, really? I guess....as much as I'd like to think that I'm okay..maybe I'm really not. Maybe that's why reading it bothered me a little. Yes, I'll admit, I felt a pang of jealousy. *blows out a breath* Life goes on. I'll always love him, this much I know....but, he doesn't want me as a lover...so...yeah. Move on.
Tomorrow is my birthday....I'll be 29. I'm not sure how to feel about that either. It seemed so far away, until today. It seemed that I'd never get here...and, now that I am..what now? Its the last year of my 20's. *blink* It shouldn't be a huge deal I know..and in some respects it isn't. But...the last year of my 20's....there are goals, dreams, that have not been met. Things I wanted to do, that I didn't. Why? I don't know..maybe I thought I had forever in my 20s? I wanted to be married and have kids by this time..I'm not. Not that I feel a biological clock ticking or anything..I don't. I'm in no hurry to run out and find a man to marry..shit, I'm not entirely sure I'm over the last man enough to even consider a relationship with another. And kids, I know I'm not ready. So why then, this melancholy attitude, like I've missed something? I don't know. Maybe its just letting go of life plans as they are...? Happy birthday to me.
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