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I wish...

I was given a link to a LJ today..and I read it over. I wish I could write like this person does. To have that freedom. I'll include their name here, in hopes that they aren't terribly upset...sidhesub.
I am/was discussing this with Sandybear....expressing my desire to state things such as she (I believe the author of the LJ is a she) does. I know the words, I know how to use them. Yet..I never do. A social stigmata that I was raised with. Words like "sex", "cunt", "pussy" and "cock" were for 'those' kind of women. You know, the sluts, the whores. The women who fucked anything with two legs and dangling parts. This was conveyed to me, drilled into me...amazingly, without words. I won't say living with grandma was hell..and I won't say I had a bad childhood. It was better than most..and I love my grandmother..but, there are some things....
Sex was very much a taboo word in my house. I mean, seriously taboo. It wasn't even mentioned until I was in high school. And then, it was only because I went to get on the pill. My mother took me, which inspired a massive argument between myself, my mother and my grandmother. Now, I was the slut. After all, only sluts needed to worry about birth control. Mind you, this was never *said*. It never had to be said. Still today, I get 'that' look...the one that says louder than any words what I am to my grandmother. This...is at least in part, why those words trigger a block. I mean, its not that I have anything against them, or think less of the person who uses them. Its just that...for me to *say* them? Or write them? Its...difficult. I envy her the apparent ease she has with them. I strive toward that ease...after all, they are just descriptive words. Even in their crudeness, they can be beautiful and elegant..as is proven by her. I am a good writer, I know this..and I know that I can say it as elegantly...so, what then is my hang-up? Why can't I crawl past that barrier that keeps me from using such words and using them well? Maybe its that....I'm afraid anyone who reads it will look at me as if I'm a slut. As if I'd fuck anything that came along. I am not a slut - I know this. If I am a slut..I'm Tyr's slut..and that works for me. I want to write these words with elegance...I want to let the "bad girl" free. Maybe some day...I will...

Comments

( 4 comments — Drop A Feather )
discordian
Dec. 21st, 2001 04:37 pm (UTC)
I think a few quotes from Mark Twain are in order here.

Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way.

There's one more, for some fuckin reason I can't find it.
onyxangel
Dec. 21st, 2001 04:39 pm (UTC)
Re:
chuckles....well, thank you...I appreciate the inspiration ;) I am working on being able to write that way without qualm
sidhesub
Nov. 11th, 2004 11:59 pm (UTC)
Why hello there!
I suppose you'll only notice this if you get e-mail notifications, given that it is a post from so many years ago. I ran across your journal via the journal of someone you have friended, via another journal of mine. I hope that you do not mind my idle voyeurism, just became curious one day.
At any rate- I am flattered, in a way.
And actually, I must confess to you- I used to not be able to use those words as well. How did I end up using them so freely, then?
I had a Master, and he trained it into me. He taught me to take pride and joy in words that I had before felt so uncomfortable with. At the same time he was teaching me the secrets of my own body, he taught me the thrill of taboo, embracing those things that were seen as "dark" and making them a part of me... making them safe, even joyful.
No, I don't mind being mentioned. This certainly makes me wonder how many have read my journal, though! I ought to update it more often than once a half-year, eh?
Everyone knows eveyrone else somehow these days, it seems...
sidhesub
Nov. 12th, 2004 12:02 am (UTC)
PS- Yes, I am, in fact, a girl. :}
( 4 comments — Drop A Feather )

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