onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

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I wish...

I was given a link to a LJ today..and I read it over. I wish I could write like this person does. To have that freedom. I'll include their name here, in hopes that they aren't terribly upset...sidhesub.
I am/was discussing this with Sandybear....expressing my desire to state things such as she (I believe the author of the LJ is a she) does. I know the words, I know how to use them. Yet..I never do. A social stigmata that I was raised with. Words like "sex", "cunt", "pussy" and "cock" were for 'those' kind of women. You know, the sluts, the whores. The women who fucked anything with two legs and dangling parts. This was conveyed to me, drilled into me...amazingly, without words. I won't say living with grandma was hell..and I won't say I had a bad childhood. It was better than most..and I love my grandmother..but, there are some things....
Sex was very much a taboo word in my house. I mean, seriously taboo. It wasn't even mentioned until I was in high school. And then, it was only because I went to get on the pill. My mother took me, which inspired a massive argument between myself, my mother and my grandmother. Now, I was the slut. After all, only sluts needed to worry about birth control. Mind you, this was never *said*. It never had to be said. Still today, I get 'that' look...the one that says louder than any words what I am to my grandmother. This...is at least in part, why those words trigger a block. I mean, its not that I have anything against them, or think less of the person who uses them. Its just that...for me to *say* them? Or write them? Its...difficult. I envy her the apparent ease she has with them. I strive toward that ease...after all, they are just descriptive words. Even in their crudeness, they can be beautiful and elegant..as is proven by her. I am a good writer, I know this..and I know that I can say it as elegantly...so, what then is my hang-up? Why can't I crawl past that barrier that keeps me from using such words and using them well? Maybe its that....I'm afraid anyone who reads it will look at me as if I'm a slut. As if I'd fuck anything that came along. I am not a slut - I know this. If I am a slut..I'm Tyr's slut..and that works for me. I want to write these words with elegance...I want to let the "bad girl" free. Maybe some day...I will...
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