onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

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Talking with Tyr...

So, over aim, we discussed the lending thing. I posted it a few entries back. We've come to the conclusion that...it was a decision to make if/when the situation happens. And, its a decision we make together. I feel better about it. I don't want to deny him experience or pleasure...but, at the same time, I need my security too. Yes, I, like many women, fear abandonment. I realize that a mutual agreement isn't really a safeguard against the possibility, but at least I won't feel left out. I don't want him to feel left out either..and as he has collared me, it is of course his right to say yes or no. (No screaming please..I gave him that right when I accepted the collar). But, knowing that we will work together to reach a "yes" or "no", eases my mind. It helps with the idea, at least, that I can cope with watching him play (sexually or otherwise) with another woman. How well this idea is practiced is yet to be seen. I think I'd handle the non sexual play a *lot* better than sexual play. This is why I'd never press the issue of him lending me out or anything like that...if I'm not sure I could cope with him doing the same, I have no business asking for it for myself. However, there is the issue of Korea. I want to be able to do things while he's gone. I may not..but, I'm thinking I want the option. And, I want him to have that option as well. But, even while he's gone..I want him to be as active as he's able in my life. I don't want to do something if he's not agreeable. And, I do want him to know *what* I'm doing....that way, if he catches 'rumor', he knows. He heard it from me. That way, its not done behind his back..I never want to betray him like that. I also told him that if he wanted to co-top with someone, I'd be okay with it. He said that he had someone in mind that he may want to do that with..someone who could teach him. I agreed, this person could very well teach him...and myself. And, this person is someone that I trust..someone who's gone through my torrential temper and survived it with a smile. And, I know this person knows what he's doing, and respects the lifestyle and those in it.
So, while things may never happen, certain things may just remain fantasy...I'm confident that we can cope if they do become real. I'm confident that I can handle this...if a little bit on the rocky side. I'm confident that, for once, I've placed my trust in the right man.

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