onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

I know that I haven't been updating much lately, guess I haven't really had much to say. I've been a little ani-social, maybe its the heat...or maybe its just 'that' time again. Then again, it could be that general restless feeling...that need to be anywhere but here. I know that I should probably write about these things as they come..but sometimes, they're just vague thoughts...something that isn't quite given form. It's hard to write when its that way. What do you write then?
At any rate, things are looking up generally speaking. I've been feeling a bit more alive, though I still come home from work feeling numb most days. I try not to complain much about it, because this journal is all that some know of me. Yes, its my journal, I know. But, I haven't done shit about my job...and I don't want to be seen as a constant complainer, especially when I do nothing to change it. I should, and I willl...when it drives me insane enough that I feel I have no choice. We're getting there.....I'm coming home numb after all. The house has been in upheaval, guests coming in and out, Jenni's fiance moving in. Now the houseguests are gone, and there's some relief there. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly as friends...but, this apartment really isn't big enough for 5 adults. I'm sure its a relief to them as well. Jenni has been...not well. I don't know what's wrong...I'm not sure anyone does. She's been in the hospital, but is now at her parent's. The house is over run by fleas, and I feel like white trash because of it. Today, Rob looked around for someplace to get a flea dip. I took it for granted that you could get those done just about anywhere, apparently not. If he doesn't get flea bombs tomorrow or something, I'll get them over the weekend. This has to stop. I can't take being eaten alive, and neither can the cats. They aren't even touching the floor anymore when they can help it. I'm tired of leaving the house and feeling self conscious because I've got the little bastards jumping off me. *sigh* Soon, this will be remedied. I feel guilty though, that Rob is doing something about it. He's got other things to worry about, and really, they aren't his cats.
So, with the download of stress out of the way...I had a pretty good day today. I had a picnic lunch with B. It was sweet, he packed fruits, bread and cheese. We went to a little park in Bellevue and sat and talked. I was late coming back though, he got pulled over on the way back to my office. Uhm...oops. No one at work said anything though....so, I guess its okay. I've been thinking, a lot. I like B...but, I don't know. It just seems...that he's so negative about himself and how people react to him. Rather, its more like....he expects things not to go his way. I'm not entirely sure I have the energy to be around that consistantly. And..I want a Dom in my life....that takes confidence. I know..I should talk, I have my issues too. I am, after all, the girl who rarely looks at herself in a mirror. But, I'm working on it....and I try not to talk about it often, to give it voice and form. *shrugs* But, lunch was great.
Last night I talked to Tyr. I miss him. It was...calming to talk to him. And..different. I mean, I miss him....and, yes, I have my days where I still pine for him. I won't lie and say Idon't...but, overall....it was nice just talking. It was nice to say "I missed you and was thinking about you" without feeling....clingy. I think I'm doing better.....it didn't bother me that he wants just friendship. We talked about quite a few things, future plans or the possibility of (for me), what to do wtih some of his things. *smiles* Even after everything...he's still my center. Amazing how it works. And..reading that...it makes it seem like I'm puppy eyed in love...and, it isn't that. Its just...well, the bond we've always had. I don't think it'll change because the nature of the relationship does...and, that is actually pretty comforting. I'm okay with things changing between us, because I think, in my heart I know he'll always be around. The Tiger and the Dragon ;)
So, yeah...I'm feeling better, optimistic. And...its good.

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