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Random things...

Sunday night, I dreamed. And I actually remember a snippet of this dream, which is unusual for me. All I remember really, is a dragon that streaked through. He (I'm sure it was male) wasn't really a part of the dream, but yet, he was. It was all swirling images, and out of nowhere, he appeared. All in blazing oranges and yellows..like a flame. His neck was kinda feathery. Long pointed nose, with the 'mustaches' coming from the nose and chin. Or are those beards? Well, whatever. That's all I remember really...nothing about the body or tail. He seemed sort of a cross between my beloved Western dragon and the Asian dragons. Does it mean something? Or is my imagination working overtime again? Perhaps I'll know in the future.
Oblivia made an interesting comment over the weekend. She was talking about how you usually get a 'feel' from someone...you know, emotionally. Like being able to tell when they're upset, even when they aren't particularly showing it. She says from me, she gets nothing. I have thick walls, is what she said. This isn't the first I've heard it. I've tossed it about a bit in my mind here and again. I know why those walls exist..years of living with my grandmother, a few good relationships that have ended badly, and one *really* bad relationship. Walls.
I won't go into detail about things - it would take more typing ability than I have. But, it does lead to some questions I've been pondering. I've always felt like I've spent half my life looking in. I was the outsider. Always. Now, I wonder if I've *put* myself there. If so, how do I then change that? I've been this way for so long, I'm not sure how to change it. How did I put myself there to begin with? And why? I mean..is it really any beter of a place to be? Feelings of alienation are not unusual for me, and occassionally, I've found them a comfort in themselves. What's strange, is I don't think I'm so unusual in that. I am by no means so terribly different than anyone else that I should be banished to the fringes, yet, I think I have been. And it seems, lately, that perhaps its been a self banishment. How do I get rid of the walls? Or at least thin them down? I know that I need them to some degree, but they don't need to be so thick, I don't think. (sigh) I'll go rounds with this for a bit...maybe I'll actually be able to think it through and do something about it.

Comments

( 2 comments — Drop A Feather )
discordian
Jan. 8th, 2002 12:56 pm (UTC)
Before you go all crazy trying to figure out how to change things... Is this something you want to change? Or feel the need to have changed? It almost sounds like you're quite happy with status in quo. And if you, in fact, are, why going through the trouble simply because society claims that "walls" are a bad thing?
onyxangel
Jan. 8th, 2002 02:57 pm (UTC)
Re:
Well..yes, and no. Sometimes I'm happy with it..sometimes I'm not. Ask me again tomorrow, you'll get a different answer.
( 2 comments — Drop A Feather )

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