Oblivia made an interesting comment over the weekend. She was talking about how you usually get a 'feel' from someone...you know, emotionally. Like being able to tell when they're upset, even when they aren't particularly showing it. She says from me, she gets nothing. I have thick walls, is what she said. This isn't the first I've heard it. I've tossed it about a bit in my mind here and again. I know why those walls exist..years of living with my grandmother, a few good relationships that have ended badly, and one *really* bad relationship. Walls.
I won't go into detail about things - it would take more typing ability than I have. But, it does lead to some questions I've been pondering. I've always felt like I've spent half my life looking in. I was the outsider. Always. Now, I wonder if I've *put* myself there. If so, how do I then change that? I've been this way for so long, I'm not sure how to change it. How did I put myself there to begin with? And why? I mean..is it really any beter of a place to be? Feelings of alienation are not unusual for me, and occassionally, I've found them a comfort in themselves. What's strange, is I don't think I'm so unusual in that. I am by no means so terribly different than anyone else that I should be banished to the fringes, yet, I think I have been. And it seems, lately, that perhaps its been a self banishment. How do I get rid of the walls? Or at least thin them down? I know that I need them to some degree, but they don't need to be so thick, I don't think. (sigh) I'll go rounds with this for a bit...maybe I'll actually be able to think it through and do something about it.