onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

  • Mood:

Random things...

Sunday night, I dreamed. And I actually remember a snippet of this dream, which is unusual for me. All I remember really, is a dragon that streaked through. He (I'm sure it was male) wasn't really a part of the dream, but yet, he was. It was all swirling images, and out of nowhere, he appeared. All in blazing oranges and yellows..like a flame. His neck was kinda feathery. Long pointed nose, with the 'mustaches' coming from the nose and chin. Or are those beards? Well, whatever. That's all I remember really...nothing about the body or tail. He seemed sort of a cross between my beloved Western dragon and the Asian dragons. Does it mean something? Or is my imagination working overtime again? Perhaps I'll know in the future.
Oblivia made an interesting comment over the weekend. She was talking about how you usually get a 'feel' from someone...you know, emotionally. Like being able to tell when they're upset, even when they aren't particularly showing it. She says from me, she gets nothing. I have thick walls, is what she said. This isn't the first I've heard it. I've tossed it about a bit in my mind here and again. I know why those walls exist..years of living with my grandmother, a few good relationships that have ended badly, and one *really* bad relationship. Walls.
I won't go into detail about things - it would take more typing ability than I have. But, it does lead to some questions I've been pondering. I've always felt like I've spent half my life looking in. I was the outsider. Always. Now, I wonder if I've *put* myself there. If so, how do I then change that? I've been this way for so long, I'm not sure how to change it. How did I put myself there to begin with? And why? I mean..is it really any beter of a place to be? Feelings of alienation are not unusual for me, and occassionally, I've found them a comfort in themselves. What's strange, is I don't think I'm so unusual in that. I am by no means so terribly different than anyone else that I should be banished to the fringes, yet, I think I have been. And it seems, lately, that perhaps its been a self banishment. How do I get rid of the walls? Or at least thin them down? I know that I need them to some degree, but they don't need to be so thick, I don't think. (sigh) I'll go rounds with this for a bit...maybe I'll actually be able to think it through and do something about it.

  • General thoughts

    I haven't said much since moving down here really - at least not on my journal. I've posted a few things to facebook, but that's about it. Life is…

  • The journey from there to here...

    I haven't said much about it, haven't posted it anywhere, really...but, I've moved to Kansas. The kids are with mom in Seattle still, until the end…

  • Settling in

    I think things are finally settling in. We've been in the apartment about 2 months now. I still need to find some places to put things and there are…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.