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Saturday during class we journeyed to the God & Goddess. We had 2 classes that day, with a potluck in between. For both journies, Angela did a guided meditation.

I had a bit of trouble with vizualization, but it was there. I started out okay, even though it was a bit of a struggle, but lost it somewhere along the way. Actually, that's not exactly true - I know the point in the vision that I lost it. It was when we were going to meet the Goddess. Someone in the store had a voice at just the right pitch to send me crashing back down. So much so, that it was like a physical shift. I guess one could argue that I felt myself coming back - it was almost like when you catch yourself dozing suddenly, and wake up. Yet, I hadn't been dozing. I tried to get back into the meditation - usually I can, losing focus isn't a huge issue. Its a struggle, but I can usually manage with minimal frustration. This time, I couldn't....what I could and did focus on was the huge amount of frustration I suddenly felt. I couldn't force myself away from it like I usually can. The frustration was so much that it was a physical reaction..a ball in the throat, pressing against the throat and chest. It was hard to swallow or breathe, and the tears started.
For those that know me...know that I hate crying in front of others, so this...was a struggle for me to control. I was trying so hard not to, but ended up doing so, in controled lip trembling and sniffling. It was not a pleasant experience overall, and I felt so frustrated and let down. The members of the class were sharing their experiences, and I ..... sank. There's no other way to describe it. It hurt. I had reached out, called out, asked for her to show me...and nothing. Nothing but frustration.

The God, wasn't much better. There, I made a promise to myself that I'd just let it go. Let whatever comes, come and not worry about it. For awhile, I just wasn't visualizing anything at all. There was no one in the store, so nothing to aid my returning..but, for some reason, I did. I lost it. Lost what little focus I had. Again I had that sensation of a physical shift. *sigh* All I got...was a picture of a coffee cup. That's it. I tried...I wanted to touch the God, to communicate. Something I've been thinking about for sometime. Yet, when I asked for him, he too wasn't there. There was nothing to show me. I was frustrated, but it wasn't the same as with the Goddess. I didn't want to cry as much, it wasn't a physical reaction to it either. It hurt just as much to listen to everyone else relate stories, and smile about meeting their Gods, even if they weren't sure who was meeting them. I had..nothing. Not a vision, not a thought. I had a coffee mug...one that Fenris owns, it has the word "Pagan" on it. What the hell does that mean?

This, of course, set me a little off for the weekend. Yes, I had a great time this weekend, and at some point I had let go enough to enjoy my weekend. But, it was always there, in the back of my mind. I had asked, I had reached out...to nothing. I know that they're there, I have faith in that. I'm reminded of the poem "Footprints"...but, it still bothers me, still hurts. And I'm left to wonder if I'll ever meet my God and Goddess, and if I do....how will I get there? When I think of it, I want to cry. Even those who weren't ready, were given messages...messages to wait, that it wasn't their time. And, yeah, maybe I'm not ready, maybe it isn't my time...but...why leave me nothing? What do I learn from this? What lesson is it that I need?


( 4 comments — Drop A Feather )
Sep. 30th, 2002 12:04 pm (UTC)
You're probably going to think this is a lame story, but I'm going to tell it anyway, and hopefully it will help.

There was a coven performing a ritual during which they were to come face to face with the Goddess. The preperations were intense - trancing, drumming, ritual cleansing, incense, the whole shebang. It went on for hours. They all stood and sat in a large room with a door to one side. When each member was ready, they would one by one go through the door into the next room, where they would come face to face with the Goddess.

Upon entering the room, each person would find...a mirror.
Sep. 30th, 2002 12:27 pm (UTC)
I'm going to stick an additional .02 cents in regard to trancing.

A lot of times people are under the impression that you should ignore or not acknowledge physical impressions (noises, itches, etc) during a trance. The problem with this is that you become so focused on ignoring these external impressions that you totally lose sight of the trance. It's happened to me lots of times. But I learned something - that it's ok to acknowledge these external impressions. Scratch the itch, indulge momentarily in your irritation - or at least, acknowledge it and then see if you can move on. I don't know if this helps, or even if it's quite relevant to what happened, but hopefully it is. You've got support from myself and I'm sure, others. :)
Sep. 30th, 2002 01:53 pm (UTC)
I don't know if it helps, but I've had that kind of experience lots of times. I think it happens when I'm trying to hard, it's one of those "whatever you do, don't think of polar bears" things, and then all you can think of is polar bears. I would also consider the possibility that not everyone else in the group was successful either. Either, they may not have said anything, or they may have made something up so as not to sound like they didn't do it. I've noticed that in Pagan classes/groups, there is a lot of anxiety about being less witchy than thou, as it were. I wouldn't take it as a rejection, honestly.
Oct. 2nd, 2002 02:04 pm (UTC)
The caveat to this is that I realize that this is not my area of expertise... yet. So take it as you will.

One, have you considered that perhaps you're trying too hard? Letting it come on its own might work better...

Two, are you sure that this is the path for you? Belief is one thing, but are you sure you're meant to follow anyone?

Personal thing: I can't walk into a Christian church. Literally. If I try, I'm overwhelmed with a sense of "wrongness"; that I'm not supposed to be there.

I also can't really imagine following a particular God or Goddess, despite identifying with a couple of them.

So, do you truly believe you're looking at the right path?
( 4 comments — Drop A Feather )