I had a bit of trouble with vizualization, but it was there. I started out okay, even though it was a bit of a struggle, but lost it somewhere along the way. Actually, that's not exactly true - I know the point in the vision that I lost it. It was when we were going to meet the Goddess. Someone in the store had a voice at just the right pitch to send me crashing back down. So much so, that it was like a physical shift. I guess one could argue that I felt myself coming back - it was almost like when you catch yourself dozing suddenly, and wake up. Yet, I hadn't been dozing. I tried to get back into the meditation - usually I can, losing focus isn't a huge issue. Its a struggle, but I can usually manage with minimal frustration. This time, I couldn't....what I could and did focus on was the huge amount of frustration I suddenly felt. I couldn't force myself away from it like I usually can. The frustration was so much that it was a physical reaction..a ball in the throat, pressing against the throat and chest. It was hard to swallow or breathe, and the tears started.
For those that know me...know that I hate crying in front of others, so this...was a struggle for me to control. I was trying so hard not to, but ended up doing so, in controled lip trembling and sniffling. It was not a pleasant experience overall, and I felt so frustrated and let down. The members of the class were sharing their experiences, and I ..... sank. There's no other way to describe it. It hurt. I had reached out, called out, asked for her to show me...and nothing. Nothing but frustration.
The God, wasn't much better. There, I made a promise to myself that I'd just let it go. Let whatever comes, come and not worry about it. For awhile, I just wasn't visualizing anything at all. There was no one in the store, so nothing to aid my returning..but, for some reason, I did. I lost it. Lost what little focus I had. Again I had that sensation of a physical shift. *sigh* All I got...was a picture of a coffee cup. That's it. I tried...I wanted to touch the God, to communicate. Something I've been thinking about for sometime. Yet, when I asked for him, he too wasn't there. There was nothing to show me. I was frustrated, but it wasn't the same as with the Goddess. I didn't want to cry as much, it wasn't a physical reaction to it either. It hurt just as much to listen to everyone else relate stories, and smile about meeting their Gods, even if they weren't sure who was meeting them. I had..nothing. Not a vision, not a thought. I had a coffee mug...one that Fenris owns, it has the word "Pagan" on it. What the hell does that mean?
This, of course, set me a little off for the weekend. Yes, I had a great time this weekend, and at some point I had let go enough to enjoy my weekend. But, it was always there, in the back of my mind. I had asked, I had reached out...to nothing. I know that they're there, I have faith in that. I'm reminded of the poem "Footprints"...but, it still bothers me, still hurts. And I'm left to wonder if I'll ever meet my God and Goddess, and if I do....how will I get there? When I think of it, I want to cry. Even those who weren't ready, were given messages...messages to wait, that it wasn't their time. And, yeah, maybe I'm not ready, maybe it isn't my time...but...why leave me nothing? What do I learn from this? What lesson is it that I need?