December 12th, 2001

devil girl

Missing my man...

Alright, I'm ready. I'll admit it. I miss him. A lot. I know this will worry him, he worries about leaving in Feburary. I know he worries that he's being unfair to me, and maybe he is. But, it doesn't matter. I can handle it - or at least, I think I can. I know this doesn't exactly inspire confidence, but, well, I can't predict the future. I worry about him leaving. He's been gone a month, and I miss him so much already...I wonder how I'll manage a year without him. But, I knew when I got involved he'd be leaving. I wouldn't trade this, the fear, the apprehension...any of it. See, for the first time in my life...I feel like I belong with him. And..that alone makes everything else worth it. I can hope he feels the same...and I think (maybe its my own warped perception) that he does. I think he holds back because of Korea, and I understand why. It drives me nuts, but I understand. I want him, all of him - the good, the bad, the ugly, the fears...all of it. I'm willing to give all of myself in return. I want to...but, I'm not sure he's ready. Hell, I'm not sure I'm ready....but, if he asked..without hesitation, I would. He excites me in ways I never thought about....not just sexual either. When I'm near him, I can feel my heart lift...all the stresses of the day, melt away. I'm left with peace. In his arms, I feel protected. I've longed for that for as long as I remember...and have felt it only once before. I put up little walls, all around me....a mist that no one could navigate through. Yet, here he is. He found his way...and God, I hope his journey was worth the prize. I drove off, I can't count how many Dominants. Walked away without a second thought. Then, he showed up. He captured me without even half trying (or so it seems), leaves me wondering how he gets me to do things without so much as asking. No one has managed that. No one....not even my first love. I want to please him with everything that I have...I want to make him proud, and above all, happy. I showed him my writing...and I could almost feel the smile. I love that. I love that even though he can't be here at this moment, we can talk online. I look forward to seeing his name pop up on my aim list...and I *do* get excited, jubilant even, when I see it. Nothing else matters.
Its funny, it sounds like I'm willing to give up my life for him (not as in death..as in how I live at the moment)....and, I suppose I am...but, at the same time, I'm secure in the idea that he won't. He doesn't have reason to, and we both know this. My life and how I live is a part of me...and, as much as I'm willing to change some of it, I don't want to change the core of who I am...and, honestly, I don't think he wants that either. I would never ask him to give up the military...he wouldn't be happy. Honestly, I couldn't imagine him doing anything else really...it doesn't fit. It would take away the hero I see in him, and that would break my heart. Not that my relationship on him depends on this hero, because it doesn't. But, I love that part of him (among the other parts)....and, I think to take him from the military would take that from him. He has plans for when he's out of the military (retirement)...and I think they're wonderful. He would retain that hero part of him...and that makes me happy.
I'm rambling. My thoughts, as always, are disjointed. I can't possibly express what I feel for him, words just don't cover it. Its not logical what I feel..and I sure as hell shouldn't be feeling it so soon. But, I do. They're there...and I can't help it. I find that I don't want to help it...I want to feel it, whatever it is. This consuming....emotion. Sometimes I think I'm in love....then I think its too soon. All I know...is I adore him immensely. I like just simply being around him. I love that I excite him, that he finds me attractive. I love that he smiles when he's around me (God..those eyes...mmmm). I love that even when he's upset with me....I'm secure. A little afraid (old fears that insist on clinging to me...) ...but, secure. Its a nice feeling. Its the best feeling.
Alright, I think I have the rambling out of the way...onto something more cohesive. Maybe. Tyr and I talked again yesterday (Ohhhh, big surprise, yeah, yeah). I told him about me going to meet Spike, and he said that was alright. He said that he trusts me. I knew that..but I also knew he was so..well, not enthused the last time I was going to get together with Spike. He told me that his reaction was unfair to me - I've never given him a reason not to trust me. I know where this comes from, and that helps. That way, I know it isn't me necessarily, but some 'baggage' he's brought with him. Hey, we all have it. I'm sure I've exposed mine. He told me that if Spike "expects goodbye sex, tell him you have a man" (Grin) I had to laugh to myself. I mean, I like Spike..and sex with him was great. But, it isn't worth giving up what I have :) I'm much happier with Tyr, and the sex is just as great. All around - I've got the better end of the deal...and if you think I'm gonna chance losing that over a romp....hell NO! Besides, Spike, in being himself, reminded me why he drove me nuts in the first place. This is not a good driving me nuts. This is a clench my teeth to keep from snapping at him kind of driving me nuts. He interupts all the time (Okay, I know that I'm terrible at that....but, usually I only do it with close friends and that's just how we talk. There's also a certain etiquette that's followed, and Spike doesn't), talks over me, like he's not even interested in what I have to say kind of thing. That and he's worse than I am at starting a thought, back-tracking and/or changing directions all together. UGH!!! So, Tyr needn't have said what he did. I know he was joking, and it was amusing..but it is a clue. I like Spike, and I enjoy his friendship, despite the above complaints, but I am highly aware (and happily so)that I do, indeed, have a man. A very good man at that (beam) Give him up for a romp with Spike??? Nope, no way. Not worth it. Not in the least. Even with him gone....I have (ahem) means. No, no, no. Wasn't even a thought....or a temptation. The most Spike wanted when I left was a hug, which was just dandy with me, since I didn't want anything more. I have my flogger back! ~does happy dance~ Yay!! I showed roomie last night...I think she was amused at the idea that it was rabbit fur. Sooooffffttttt. Yummy soft. I'm glad I went over, I can feel easier now that I've got my things back. I get apprehensive about that...possessiveness and all :)
We also talked about limits again - well, an unspoken one, being that he doesn't share. I like this, but on the other hand, sharing does intrigue me. Maybe not sharing so much, but...well, being lent out, or watched by him. (Okay, roomie TMI warning coming up ;) ) I mean, its a curiosity for me. I understand if he doesn't feel inclined to ...partake. But, I do think about him lending me to a friend to be used. Just sexually used, no attachments. (Other than maybe friendship). I think about him watching while his friend uses me. And..getting excited by it...and using me himself and joining. Or even waiting until his friend has gone and just taking me. I think about having him fuck me and someone licking my clit (male, female, doesn't matter...but, I'm not inclined to return affection to a female). ~shiver~ Mmm...and, last night...I thought about this stuff...and (ahem) yes...took care of myself. If it never happens, I won't be heartbroken....and am happy treating as 'fodder' for the mind to work from *EG* ... but, if he's agreeable...I'd love to explore. I'm so attached to him (sigh..if he doesn't know by now....hopefully I haven't just made him rethink everything and feel that I'm *too* attached)...that another could use my body (with his permission only, of course) and it wouldn't matter. It would be body only...he has everything. My body, my heart...and he's steadily working on my soul I think. (smile) And, God, I hope, if he reads this...I haven't worried him, or 'scared him off' or anything like that.
I need to write more of what I think about when I (ahem) well, do things. Yes, those things. I mean, even if it only gets explored in my mind...I may want to look back someday and see what I thought about, how my fantasies had changed. And maybe, which ones I've been able to explore.
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devil girl

Hmn

Well, I'm figuring this out. I like this live journal...better than diaryland. Oh, don't get me wrong, diaryland is good...but, this is more fun, if a little more confusing. I just noticed my roomie made a comment on an entry I made...yep, that would be the Jenni Kitty (grins and waves). I'm not sure how to post to communities yet..and I noticed that the community page has been down for a bit. I found chickland by accident. Right now, I just have work to play around with this. I'll do more when I get a connection at home (Saturday!! Yay!!!) A few minutes left here on lunch..erg. 36 people waiting in the queue...don't these freaks have anything better to do?? :P
I shared my morning with kitty again - I call her kitty because I have absolutely no idea how to spell her name. Thank the roomie for coming up with it - it is her kitty after all. Paiwacket? Piewacket? Well, it sounds like pie-wacket....she's a cutie. She even came out of the room to say hi to me. Awwwwww. I'm loved. Accepted even. And she likes my bed...what an odd little kitty. That just speaks oodles of personality though! (grin)
GAHHHHHHH. I hate our proxy. Stupid thing crashed.....~whimper~ Cut off from Tyr...that's just WRONG! Now I'm frustrated. It won't let me back on. ~sigh~ At least I'm not the only one. I hate this. No webpages...I can't update this one yet....erg. I hate proxy. Proxy should die. ~grumble~
And ... we were talking too...really talking. About my last entry. I didn't scare him off ... feel the relief eminate from me. It worries him, but this I knew. And I know why. We can cope with this. He even understands the lending thing....he would like 2 women. But...its not something he's actively persued. I'm not sure I'd handle it very well. Watching him with another woman.....I think it would be too much for me, which is why if he never lends me out, it won't bother me in the least. I won't be disappointed. I want to fulfill his fantasies too, if we can. And, its not fair to ask of him what I can't give in return.
Yay..proxy let me in! But...Tyr is gone. ~whimper~ Stupid, stupid proxy.
I have a team meeting soon...I hope Tyr makes it back before I have to go to that. An hour off the phones. Whew! Not that they're bad now...not many in the queue. Thankfully. But, that time off is *always* nice (grin)
Alright, nothing important to write about...so, I'm gonna go peek at other people's lives....
devil girl

Co-workers and customers...

You know..its just wrong when you walk by a co-workers computer and it yells "OW!". Wrong I tell ya.
Jenni kitty and I are heading down to the club tonight for the social night. Mmmhmm. Fun, fun. There's a pot luck there I think..I can't remember. I wonder who all's gonna show up? It would be cool if Zoobie showed up...she's a kick, and Jenni kitty would probably like her. IceMonster may be there...but, he's just evil. I still maintain this. He, of course, agrees. ~shudder~ Should be pretty quiet I would guess, which is alright..quiet is good. Tonight feels quiet. My horrorscope fortells that a moment of attention can be turned into lasting popularity...hmmmm. Could it be true?
I want to write something..but I'm not entirely sure what. mrph. I was just thinking of something too....guess it must not have been earth shattering.
Okay, I'll admit..I don't understand people. I have a yokel on the phone (yes, yokel)....he's not able to verify the account (naturally). People, when you call up a business, remember to have some form of verification ready! Its really not difficult...and its not a foriegn concept. I'm listening to this guy search around for a statement. He *could* have had this ready previously...but NO. Why think ahead?
Can we say DUMBASS? Hmm? Yeah, I knew we could. So, I asked him for the last 4 of his checking account number...he wants to give me the last four of his soc. Uhm, no. Don't have that. Sorry. Shall I spell it out? c-h-e-c-k-i....yadda. If I say it slow enough, will he get it? The big answer....no. He has to ask what I mean.....of course, I did say check debit and not checking account...my bad. Of course, silly me thought he'd follow along. WRONG. So, then he gets pissy because he has to go look up the info...lets all feel sympathy for the naughty customer, shall we? Yeah, that's what I thought.
I know I shouldn't waste this much energy on a customer...but, sometimes it amuses me. Evil little angel that I am (huge evil grin)
devil girl

Well, now...I think I got it...

So, I'm sitting here after work....while I'm waiting, I decide I'll play with this. I figured out how to post to a community...what do you know? That FAQ thing really does answer questions. Heh. I added some new friends too...thanks Chaos Blackflame, I'm moochin' friends (smirk). I still have to figure out what this friends folder thingymajigy is. Not covered in the FAQ, which is what I was originally looking for. I'm easily distracted. Hark...me thinks me hears the roomie. Good..food, club...friends. Yay! Oh...I have a website I forgot to check out...thanks to Spike. bareleatherworks.com...I'll get back to my html and actually add the link..but let me traverse over there and take a peek. This is a local vendor, according to Spike he makes some really cool cuffs n things. Which, as listed on the front page include, spreader bars, slappers, floggers (Yum), leashes and gags. Floggers are good.....(evil little angel grin) Lets go see, shall we?