Well, here we are..nice and bright and shiney....okay, not so early...but ya'll get my point. I feel like my veins are shaking inside my body. Is it possible that one egg nog latte was too much caffiene? I aslo feel bleh. I know my mood icon says "Okay" and, I am. I think its just.."that" time. Bleh. I spent quality time with kitty this morning (smirk). She spent all night elsewhere (probably pestering 'mom') and comes running in when my alarm goes off. She's looking at me and chattering...as if I'm supposed to be up and ready. She's lucky she's cute. Oh! And, she was on my altar this morning (doh!). Lucky cat..I have Bast on my altar. I'm sure She was amused. (smirk) Ahhh...second cup of coffee. Too much caffiene? Never. So, this weeekend...big plans. Yeah, right. I'm picking up Bryan tonight and my computer from grandma's. Tomorrow, getting the storage paid off and scheduling a delivery date (Yay! Furniture!), and going down to Tyr's to start his baby..then on up to MoonDoggy's for the Christmas party. Sunday...laundry at the apartment or grandma's, depending on funding. And playing on the internet at home! Yay! I love cable. Then one more week before vacation.
The radio...as my stupid cd player doesn't work (grumble)
Okay...a month ago I lost my checkbook along with my check card. Not a biggie..or so I thought. WRONG. For those who are curious, you can find the beginning of my bank card saga in my other diary, which is listed in my profile. (GROWL) So..today, it continues. I called the bank..because, alas, no bank card has shown up at grandma's house. I inform the rep that I've been trying to get a check card with a Visa or Mastercard logo on it for a month. A whole freakin' month. She's asking when I called....so, I tell her last week or the week before. Then she tells me she's not finding anything...she can see where I have the atm card. No, I don't even want the stupid atm card...I want the check card. I don't know why this seems to be a difficult concept. I tell her that this has been ongoing...that I spoke to 2 people in the branch and 2 people on the phone. A total of 4 (now 6) people to get me a fucking check card. Its one lousy little fucking check card. One. That's all I want..one. She puts me on hold to research...comes back and tells me, well, the check card has indeed been ordered..but denied because it was ordered on the closed account. (blink, blink) Excuse me??? The...wha..?? Yes, I had heard her right...the closed account! CLOSED. You would think that this word would keep the bank rep from ordering the card on that account...but, apparently not. So, she hands me over to a "product specialist"...whom I give my sob story to from between clenched teeth. The color has drained from my face and I think I chipped a tooth I was so fucking livid. He immediately hmms and hawws and puts me on hold. 10 minutes later...he comes back and tells me that his supervisor has given him permission to upgrade this to a check card. (blink, blink) After all this....he damn well better have. He now tells me that it should be 5-7 business days before I recieve said check card. Yeah, right.
I sent an email. Tyr, I hope you get it. I'm sorry I pissed you off.
(sigh) I'm not getting into detail. I'm crying, and I feel like shit. I want to go home. Just, please, God, let the day end soon. And let no one see the tears I'm trying so hard not to shed. I hate this. Trying to keep myself together...when inside my stomach is in a huge knot, my hands are shaking. Yes, this is how upset that I am. You've never just walked away before...and in effect, you have today..and damnit...it HURTS. I don't know how much I'll be around on the weekend...and that makes me anxious. Do you have *any* idea how much what you do or what you say affects me? No, I suppose not. I suppose I haven't said it. Or maybe you do, and in this moment, it just didn't matter. (shrug) I'll be fine in a few minutes...those nice little walls erected once again. The tears will be dry, my hands steady. And when I get in the car tonight...to go on my way....I'll cry. I'll cry where no one can see me. Between now and then, I'll falter from wanting to scream at you to wanting to hide my tears. Between now and then, I'll falter between panic and being cold and uncaring. And, at some point...I won't feel anything. I'll just be numb. Right now, I'm collected...the tears are dry and my hands are steady. I'm cold, so cold I'm shivering..and I'm not sure if its the temperature in here, or an after affect. I shouldn't have gotten snappy...but, I did. I'm sorry.
He's read the journal. We've talked. I can return to a modicum of normalicy. I have to work on this fear..this irrational fear that if he's angry, he'll just leave. It isn't fair to him. I know this..and I *do* trust him. Its just....a knee jerk thing. I've been left behind so many times...but, he isn't them. He's my hero on a Harley (grin)...and I know, somewhere inside, that he'll stand by me. Even when he's angry. He came back...and we talked...and I knew, everything would be okay. Not 'smoothed over'..but really okay. I feel relief. And a sort of frustration in myself. I don't know how to stop the reaction I have...and that makes it worse. Over time, I will figure it out..and it will be second nature to trust him. We're working on it..each of us, to trust the other. Each time he comes back, each time we work things out...its a little less panic the next time. And, more understanding...of ourselves (at least for me) and of each other...and of 'us'.