December 21st, 2001

devil girl

Well now...

I've just been blown off. I messaged Spike, to say hi, chit chat for a minute. You know, keep in touch, we're friends kind of deal. I ask him how he is...he says "Great, but I'm talking to my best friend...so, we'll talk later, okay? Thanks..bye" (blinkblink) First, *he* never bothers to message me. Why would he? Its part of making an effort. What bothers me most is that I'm annoyed by this blow off. I mean, I shouldn't be...its not like I'm interested in him anymore anything. Maybe its just that, I enjoy our friendship...and it doesn't seem like he makes an effort at all. It hits home when he does that brush off thing. I know he doesn't mean it, but still. (sighs) I just don't care to be blown off...who does? I shouldn't worry about it though, I have other things going in my life...and if he isn't willing to make an effort, on the whole...I should just totally move on. I'm glad I got my stuff back when I did. I think..if he wants the friendship, he can work to keep it damnit, I'm tired. He can *show* me that he wants the friendship....I'm done. Moving on. I have better things to do, and more enjoyable people to be around.
  • Current Mood
    Mildly annoyed...
devil girl

I wish...

I was given a link to a LJ today..and I read it over. I wish I could write like this person does. To have that freedom. I'll include their name here, in hopes that they aren't terribly upset...sidhesub.
I am/was discussing this with Sandybear....expressing my desire to state things such as she (I believe the author of the LJ is a she) does. I know the words, I know how to use them. Yet..I never do. A social stigmata that I was raised with. Words like "sex", "cunt", "pussy" and "cock" were for 'those' kind of women. You know, the sluts, the whores. The women who fucked anything with two legs and dangling parts. This was conveyed to me, drilled into me...amazingly, without words. I won't say living with grandma was hell..and I won't say I had a bad childhood. It was better than most..and I love my grandmother..but, there are some things....
Sex was very much a taboo word in my house. I mean, seriously taboo. It wasn't even mentioned until I was in high school. And then, it was only because I went to get on the pill. My mother took me, which inspired a massive argument between myself, my mother and my grandmother. Now, I was the slut. After all, only sluts needed to worry about birth control. Mind you, this was never *said*. It never had to be said. Still today, I get 'that' look...the one that says louder than any words what I am to my grandmother. This...is at least in part, why those words trigger a block. I mean, its not that I have anything against them, or think less of the person who uses them. Its just that...for me to *say* them? Or write them? Its...difficult. I envy her the apparent ease she has with them. I strive toward that ease...after all, they are just descriptive words. Even in their crudeness, they can be beautiful and elegant..as is proven by her. I am a good writer, I know this..and I know that I can say it as elegantly...so, what then is my hang-up? Why can't I crawl past that barrier that keeps me from using such words and using them well? Maybe its that....I'm afraid anyone who reads it will look at me as if I'm a slut. As if I'd fuck anything that came along. I am not a slut - I know this. If I am a slut..I'm Tyr's slut..and that works for me. I want to write these words with elegance...I want to let the "bad girl" free. Maybe some day...I will...
  • Current Music
    Radio...
devil girl

Talking with Tyr...

So, over aim, we discussed the lending thing. I posted it a few entries back. We've come to the conclusion that...it was a decision to make if/when the situation happens. And, its a decision we make together. I feel better about it. I don't want to deny him experience or pleasure...but, at the same time, I need my security too. Yes, I, like many women, fear abandonment. I realize that a mutual agreement isn't really a safeguard against the possibility, but at least I won't feel left out. I don't want him to feel left out either..and as he has collared me, it is of course his right to say yes or no. (No screaming please..I gave him that right when I accepted the collar). But, knowing that we will work together to reach a "yes" or "no", eases my mind. It helps with the idea, at least, that I can cope with watching him play (sexually or otherwise) with another woman. How well this idea is practiced is yet to be seen. I think I'd handle the non sexual play a *lot* better than sexual play. This is why I'd never press the issue of him lending me out or anything like that...if I'm not sure I could cope with him doing the same, I have no business asking for it for myself. However, there is the issue of Korea. I want to be able to do things while he's gone. I may not..but, I'm thinking I want the option. And, I want him to have that option as well. But, even while he's gone..I want him to be as active as he's able in my life. I don't want to do something if he's not agreeable. And, I do want him to know *what* I'm doing....that way, if he catches 'rumor', he knows. He heard it from me. That way, its not done behind his back..I never want to betray him like that. I also told him that if he wanted to co-top with someone, I'd be okay with it. He said that he had someone in mind that he may want to do that with..someone who could teach him. I agreed, this person could very well teach him...and myself. And, this person is someone that I trust..someone who's gone through my torrential temper and survived it with a smile. And, I know this person knows what he's doing, and respects the lifestyle and those in it.
So, while things may never happen, certain things may just remain fantasy...I'm confident that we can cope if they do become real. I'm confident that I can handle this...if a little bit on the rocky side. I'm confident that, for once, I've placed my trust in the right man.
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