January 14th, 2002

devil girl

Why can't I....

Be more sexually...forward? Aggressive isn't really the word I'm looking for. I want sex more often, but when I think of actually initiating something - I freeze. It's like, I can think but not act. Is it because it puts me in control and I don't like that? Is it years and years of 'training' to be modest? The idea that 'women don't do that'? (Thank grandma) I mean..I just freeze.
Last night for instance. I wanted to start things..but, I ended up just more or less in laying in bed, trying to talk myself into actually moving and touching him. When I did manage to make myself touch him...just his thigh, mind you....he was asleep. I understand that I can't always wait for him, or any man, to *always* initiate things. There's no reason he should have to always initiate. Do I really think he's going to reject me if I initiated? I doubt it. If so, it would be the act, and not me. I know this. Yet, I still can't seem to make myself do anything. Its not that I have a problem touching him, I love touching him, sexually or non. God knows, I find this man incredibily attractive, on so many levels. So, what the fuck is my issue? I mean, it should be easy for me to start things, shouldn't it? It should be easy for me to smile at him, reach out and gently caress him. *sighs* In some ways, I think I envy his ex. From what little I've been told about her, it seems she was much more forward than I am. I mean, after all, she did point him in the direction of the lifestyle. She started exploring with him. That sounds much more forward than I am. Granted, there's a lot I don't know about her, or their relationship. How does one go about learning to be more sexually forward?
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devil girl

Well, good morning

Now that I've gotten those thoughts out...those thoughts I was thinking all night, and this morning on the way to work, I can move on. Traffic this morning was a breeze, which is surprising for a Monday, especially considering I drove in from Olympia. Calls aren't bad this morning either - it bounces from around 3 to around 15 usually. It just went red, but even that isn't so bad - there's less than 30. And one of my databases, the same one as usual, is down again. *sigh*
Happy Birthday belladonnafa! I hope its a good one!
devil girl


And I hit enter too soon again. Dangit.
I tried studying for the B&N courses last night, but ended up giving up. I wasn't concentrating too well on it. I'll print them out today if I remember and bring them home with me, that's looking like my best option at the moment. Two weeks,....*sigh* Hopefully they'll go by fairly quick.
devil girl

Well, now...

On top of everything - I'm feeling very domestic today. Actually, that started last night...right up until I burned the grill cheese sandbitch. *smirk* Yes, okay, so my cooking skills are questionable..back off! :P
Today, between calls, I've been a busy lil bee getting my desk in order and rearraging a few things. Among other things..including kiping communities from some new found peeps. Uhm, btw, thanks truthvirus for communities. (grin). Now I just gotta take some wipes to this desk..the keyboard is black, and for some reason leaves dye all over my desk *sigh* Well, Clorox to the rescue. I'll probably clean and cook when I get home too...at least a little. Such a good lil domestic subbie girl I am. Chya.
So, I posted to a new community, about my issue. I've gotten some good advice. And some good thoughts. discordian has decided he wants to 'get inside my mind'....erph. You sure?? He has a lecture..rather, a gentle smack upside the head, planned out for me. Lovely friends :P But, hey, at least I may get some sort of help for my inability here.
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