January 22nd, 2002

devil girl

Last night...

In some ways was sort of tough for me. An emotional low, at least for some of the night. I called Tyr to say hi. He said that he wasn't feeling well..I asked if I could bring him anything. He said I could come down if I wanted - and I said I would if he wanted me to, otherwise I didn't really have plans. This led to irritation. *sigh* It seems, the last few days, I've done little but irritate him.
Already feeling low with myself, I packed and headed down. When I got there, things were okay for a bit. I enjoyed cuddling on the couch with him, and worried about him not feeling well. We joked around a bit too. A bit of history, I wanted to be more sexually forward ... and I have tried a couple times, but I think my timing and/or technique has been off. This missed timing, or lack of technique, combined with his sex drive...has left me frustrated and feeling like maybe he doesn't want me sexually. I know that most of this has been built up in my mind...and I know its probably because he's leaving for Korea soon.
Well, last night..sitting on the couch, we were 'arguing' over the remote, playfully. I took off my shirt, because he's so warm, that I was getting too hot. So, here I am, with him laying on me, and I'm topless...and I'm not even getting touched. Though, he did mess with my feet a bit later in the night *bleh*. Of course, this is only building on that feeling..and the questions. But, how do you even begin with something like that? How do you actually work up to say "Gee, honey, don't you want me?". I was falling asleep on the couch, it was late, and I had work this morning.
Soon, we went up to bed. He didn't even really curl up with me like he normally does. Which, normally, isn't even a big deal. I curled up on my side, and just let the thoughts come. I ended up crying a bit, not loudly, but the tears soaked the pillow.
Then...he touched me. Not sexually, but intimately. He rubbed my back a little. I almost sobbed, I was so relieved, and happy. I don't know if he knew...or if it was just good timing. The touching progressed from there...and the doubts went away. The fear that he didn't want me, was gone. That's not to say that I won't ever feel that way again...but, in that moment, I knew beyond any doubt, that he wanted me. Sexually, emotionally...all of it. Perhaps I read too much into things...but, in this, if I am...please, let it be.
devil girl

Poetry

Bear with me here...I'm going to move my poetry over from the diaryland site to here. So, I'll have a few posts today. (Grin) Each poem will be a seperate post...because, well, I want it that way. I'll probably continue to post there too...but, for now, I think everything together in my journal will be a good thing. I can look back over the years to one place.
devil girl

Words on a Screen

Words on a screen,
To create emotion,
Loneliness,
The heart cries out,
Reaches for a touch
That does not exist,
Tears fall over satin cheeks,
The heart breaks,
So close,
This phantom touch,
A flicker within the mind,
All this from
Words on a screen
devil girl

The Raging Storm

Take a deep breath, girl
You can do it.
Hush, child,
Don't make a sound,
You're not allowed.
Be still, woman,
Never let them see you cry,
Never.

I take a deep breath,
And close my eyes.
A tear slips free.
The cage is closed,
The door secured.
My fingers curl about the bars,
My forehead pressed to the coldness.
The chains rattle,
As my shoulders tremble.

I throw my shoulders back
My spine held straight,
My head held high,
My eyes calm and clear.
Nothing given,
Nothing taken,
Nothing betrayed.

The moment passed,
The silence comes.
The storm rages.
devil girl

Everything

Take my hand,
Pull me along.
Stand behind me,
Push me over.
Wait beneath me,
Catch me as I fall.
Teach me how to trust, to love.
Ease my troubled thoughts.
Be the calm of my storm,
Let me be all that I am.

I promise no bed of roses,
No easy lessons.
My love is great,
And ready to give,
My heart, my soul

Let me be your everything.

Written 8/13/00
devil girl

Exposed

I stand before you,
Exposed.
I can't breathe,
I gasp for air,
My panic blinds.
I stand before you,
Body, Heart and Soul,
Exposed.
devil girl

Into You

You are strong and patient,
Willing to take control.
You are courageous enough to act on your passion.
You are the calm in my storm,
My lifeboat in the rough sea of emotion.
You bind me to your heart with chains of love.
You are the one that haunts my dreams
devil girl

A Glimpse Within

Have you ever felt you've waited all your life for something?
I do.
Sometimes its so close I can almost taste it,
My body quivers with anticipation
Before that fleeting glimpse fades.
Here I am, at the beginning of my journey
My breath held, the first step taken
My eyes wide open, I am ready to learn.
Will I find what I wait for?
Maybe.
Will I know it if I do?
If I'm lucky.
Am I ready to fully become the woman I am?
I hope so.
devil girl

Lashes

You take my wrists
Chain them up
My breath comes in gasps
Shivering in anticipation
As you step back

The hiss of the whip
Whispers across my ears
As you let it unfurl
A soft whimper parts my lips

Suddenly the crack splits the air
A cry of fear erupts
Though my body has not been touched
The second lash comes
Fire spreads upon my back
I twitch and writhe
To the music of your whip

My cries sound out
With each fall,
Each trail of fire left behind
Tears flow freely
My body bucks

Slowly, I give in
Lost in the torrent of the storm
You call to me,
Command me to beg sweet release
I scream my plea, my need

Finally, your gentle hands
Release the chains
My trembling body falls against you

My release has come,
My time to let tears that are so hard to come flow freely
As you gather me in your arms,
I hear your sweet voice through my sobs
"Its alright baby. Master's here"
devil girl

Branded

Scarred,
Branded,
For life
By your lust,
Your love,
Your hate,
A blank page with which
To write your hateful script
Molded,
Reshaped,
Lost within,
Your angry words
Shriek through my head
I tried to be your everything,
But still
It was not enough,
Not good enough,
Not pretty enough,
You were the only one with pity enough
To love me,
To hate me,
A void within you,
Growing now within me
The light shall dawn,
A new life will begin
devil girl

For the First Time

For the first time...

I know what terror is,
I know what war must be.
I know what it is to be helpless in the face of despair.

For the first time...

I feel compelled to set a small flame upon a candle
I feel the need to whisper a prayer, to ask for protection, for the world
I feel the need to watch it burn, until the light of dawn shall break

In memory of this tragic time - the fall of the World Trade Center, and those lost within

Jessica
September 12, 2001
The day after a day that will live a lifetime
devil girl

Sometimes, I wonder....

I wonder why I even bother with some people. I talked to Spike again, over AIM. It wasn't a bad conversation, just a hello and an update. But, I don't know. Maybe its because I've lost whatever infatuation I held for him...but, it just felt..false. I mean, not like he lied...just that, I don't know, that distance I suppose. That distance that says "I think you're nice..but I'm not getting too close." He had to go do some errands, and we agreed that I'll stop by his house sometime to pick up some pop tabs he's been saving for grandma. I'll clear this with Tyr before going. I'm not sure why I agreed. I don't have any real desire to see him. Perhaps, its just to see that distance in person. To see that I'm not the only one who feels it *shrugs* I'm not worried about it, or even particularly bothered by this falseness in our discussions..this distance that's fallen between us. Just, curious, I guess. Curious as to why I even bother...when really, I don't miss him, at all. I don't miss his friendship, I don't miss anything at all about him. In fact...I rarely even think of him. I just happened to catch him on AIM today...and decided to say hi. So...why did I even bother with that? Its not like it matters...
devil girl

Annual Review...

Urgh. How I hate these things. They are just a beacon for stress. I always, without fail, feel I've done something wrong..that somewhere along the line, I've fucked up majorly, and now its time to tell me. I don't know why. Its not like this has ever happened. So, today..was my annual review here. Oh, joy.
Well, I didn't do too bad. Quite well actually. I only got 'less than effective' on one thing. That would be keeping my composure. Hey, we can't all be perfect. He even gave me 15 extra minutes at the end of the day. Bliss.
I get a raise even..not a very big one I don't think. He said it was in the 5.5% range...whatever that means. But, a couple bucks is a couple bucks, right? I thought so. In my book, more money is always good. Well, happy day :)