March 1st, 2002

devil girl

Happy Friday....grrrr....

I was up WAY too late last night. Not that I'm complaining, it was my own fault. Playing catch up with the room mate. As a result, I woke up late this morning (but fully functioning, Master *grin*). This should have been my first clue. Fortunately, I made it into work on time (whew!) ...but had to reboot my computer right away. Damn thing froze. On the plus side, calls are nowhere near where they were yesterday...though I've had a couple callers that I just want to tell KISS MY ASS. Just like that. All caps *smirk* One escalation to start my morning...yippee...
Now..what the hell did I do *this* time for such a karma smack.....?
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devil girl


Okay, I'm going to do it. I'm going to post here an email I recieved from a mail group I belong to. No names, gotta protect those 'innocent' folk ya know. But, the posted questions were good....and I want to look back and go 'oh yeah', here it is:

> Subject: Public Scening
> I'm thinkin' about it. I'd like to read a few first-person accounts -- the bad as well as the good.

> How did you psyche yourself up for the experience?

Uhm. I didn't. He just told me to strip, and I whimpered about it, but in the end, did it.

> What issues did you deal with?

Personal "I look fat and horrible" issues. It was a bit disconcerting that others were watching. Exciting as well, but kinda scarey.

> What was most satisfying about the experience?

That I made it through it ;) Unscathed even.

> How did you feel afterward?

Like 'normal'. By the time I was done being tormented, I was okay. I did put a long t shirt on *immediately* though

> If you could change something about *that first time,* what would it be?

I don't know. Honestly, I enjoyed the experience as a whole. Maybe I'd change my own confidence level.
> And if you don't scene publicly, why don't you?

I'm willing...nervousness and all. But, right now, Master is in Korea. *sigh*
> Thanks. With the support of friends here, I've overcome some of my fear. I'd like to continue on that path. I'd like to make my choice based on something other than fear.

Hope I helped at least a little! My experiences are minor (like, one!) but that's my insight!

devil girl

Must worship the sten.....

Picture that scene in Toy Story, inside the claw machine, with all the little green toys looking up with big wide eyes... "Ooohh....the claw..."
That's Sandybear and I at Ikea in front of the sten units. If you do not know what these amazing creations are, I feel for you. Go down to Ikea and worship at the altar of Sten, now! They're shelving units that can hold an engine block (I've seen it, don't give me shit). This weekend, I fully intend on getting myself a set of sten shelves for my bedroom, thus I will have an organized bedroom. At least in theory...

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devil girl

(no subject)

Last night, talking with Jenni, I guess I realized just how much I'd drawn away. I still laugh, I still hang out, but I haven't been real close. Its all been surface things. This isn't highly unusual to me, but I guess to some it comes across as depression. Bryan is, and always will be, one of my main confidants, I tell him everying (probably knows more about me than he ever really wants to). He, so far, has mentioned nothing of seeming depression..but, that could be because he is one of a few people that aren't standing on the outside of my walls. And, I've been told they're thick. Some people have made it to like a half way point...but, very rarely do I feel that "real"ness. If that makes any sense. Since Tyr has left for Korea, I guess I have been kind of quiet and moody on the whole, and really only opened up to a few people. If I don't have plans to be somewhere, like the club, I've been at home, staring at my computer. Even that hasn't been half as entertaining on the whole as it used to be. My temper has been on a shorter fuse...and basically, for the first time since I've met Tyr, I've been left truly ungrounded.
Grounding has never been my strong point...and when I met him, even that very first day I think, he's always just sorta...well, grounded me. I don't know how else to put it...but, I don't feel half as scattered around him as I do in my daily life. Even when he wasn't literally by my side, I had the assurance that he would be..and somehow that seemed to lend to the power of it all. But, now, he's half way across the world...and there's like a small part of me missing. Its..hollow. It doesn't hurt, its just looking at a tube, ya know? No pain for the most part, other than a pang of lonliness now and again. Lately, I've been feeling as if the connection wasn't if it were sorta drifting and getting as scattered as I've begun to feel.
And...then he came on. I was coloring, and Jenni had the computer on to her stuff, but Tyr comes on msn, which Jenni doesn't have and doesn't always think to turn off. I talked to him. Really talked to him. I mean, it was a 5 minute conversation...but, its more than we've had recently, and it was deeper than we've had. I realized...the connection isn't gone, and it isn't fading...its the background. I felt like I was his again. I wanted to laugh....and to cry. His leaving has hit me a lot harder than I ever thought it would. I've never had this simple hollowness before. I've never dealt this feeling of...aimlessness...not over someone. But, last night, talking to him, I was grounded again. I felt safe, I always feel when he's around. And I knew...that, I'm still where I belong. We may not be together...but, I still belong to him. And, I slept last night, better than I have since he's left. Okay, granted, I didn't sleep until 4 am this morning or so..but still, the few hours I did get were solid. And I didn't wake up tired this morning, despite the fact that it was only a couple hours. I didn't wake up and just sigh. I woke up, and I felt...whole. I guess that's the best way to put it. Not like I felt like a half person without him. I'm my own person, I know this, I like this, and having him around hasn't changed that. I am complete without him..but, at the same time, I'm not. I'm not saying that if he and I ever parted ways I couldn't live without him, or live happily without him. Yes, it would crush me, but I could and would go on. I'm not clingy, and I don't depend on him for survival, or to live. I don't know how to describe it other than...I'm complete, and I'm not.
I know that he talked to his ex, and they 'had it out'..I don't know exactly what was said, and it doesn't really matter to me. What matters is that I know she hurt him, and I don't like that. He was joking around and made a comment to the effect of "I thought you'd be happy she's gone". Yes, I am. I'm glad that she's no longer part of his life, I won't lie. What I don't the hurt that he has to deal with. I don't like the fact that she hurt him, and I like even less that there's not a damn thing I can really do to help him. I'm not angry at her, I don't hate her...but, I was never comfortable with the idea of her in his life. Part of this stems from my own issues..part of it because I watched his reactions to her, and I've been watching him work through letting go. I know that now he'll take the steps needed to let go and move on, and I'm glad he will...I hold my breath and hope that I'm not a "rebound" (though I really don't think I am). I will be here, when he needs, to listen, to hold, whatever he needs.
I know that I've been concern about communication, or the lack there of we've been experiencing. I am assured now, that we're okay. He gave me a way to contact via phone last night :) Still no phone in his room...but, hey, I can wait for internet, its only a couple months. I know a lot of it has to do with time difference, and he's been busy at work. I'm glad that he's getting along well, making friends, keeping busy. I just hope he doesn't forget that he has someone back home ;)
devil girl

Things that make you go "hmmm"

I asked a customer for his email address...he immediately asks "The one with you guys?"


I just had a customer, who set up an email address, was aware he did so....but, wasn't aware that he set up an account.....