March 22nd, 2002

devil girl

News for the day...

Okay, first, I must say I feel rather accomplished. I actually started on my B.O.S. (gasp). Nothing major, just went through a few emails and made some new folders. Still, its a start. I got into MS works, which I've never really used before and found some cool things (to me anyway). I found a recipie thing...yay! I've already put it to use. Just two recipies in there so far, but its a start. I just need to get grandma's recipy boxes from her now so I can work on that cook book. Heh. I downloaded nero too. Yay me!
I got an email today from my best friend from high school! I wrote her through classmates.com, and she wrote back! I was sooo happy I wanted to cry. I haven't talked to her in years. I remember living with her right after high school, but its late, so that's a story for another time. She's married (which I knew, she got married before she left state), has 2 kids now. I was there for the birth of her daughter, apparently they have a 4 year old son now. Still can't say that I like her husband much, but I'm glad things are working out for her, and that I found her again. I'm ecstatic!! She's looking at being up here in June. I'd love to see her again. I've missed her. I think about her a lot, I always have. *happy sigh*
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished
devil girl

Fairy tale...

On the drive home, I was thinking. I came to the conclusion, as I sometimes do, that what I reall want is a love like a fairy tale. I want my Prince Charming to come sweep me away. Fix everything that's wrong in my life and make me into someone new. This, of course, can't be done. I know this.
Most of my life, I've wanted to be someone else. Someone more exciting, someone stronger, someone wilder. I wanted it so bad, that I made someone up. She's in my dreams...and is, and always has been, everything I ever wanted to be. This was how I learned some form of lucid dreaming. I put her through her paces..her life is shit. But, she perseveres. She's strong. Rock solid, and shows little emotion. She's elegant and graceful. She's smooth, cold...with touches of warm spots. She's dark and exotic. She's wild and crazy, living just a little bit on the edge. The dark seductress/bad girl that no man can resist. She's had many names...but the one that's been hers for a long time is Kolby. I don't know why...maybe its my own personal like for that name. For a long time, what I felt was through her. I felt nothing of my own, or tried very hard not to.
I still do this.
When I get hurt, I retreat. I read a book..because its okay to cry for the characters, but it isn't okay to cry for me. Crying is weak. In me it is. In others, its not. In recent years, I've gotten to the point where I despise crying in front of people. It shows them that they've hurt me, and it shows them that I'm weak enough to let them. Needless to say, I grew up with my nose in a book. Where it still resides, with the exception of me being on the internet. But here, I have an escape as well. I roleplay..and for a time, I can *be* someone else. My characters are an extension of me, to some degree. Self expression has never been a real strong point..but it has gotten weaker over the last few years. One of the last vestiges left to me is my writing....which has only recently been opened to others. That is me, the core of me. It is what I think, what I feel, what I want. Writing is my pride and joy, and my ultimate escape. Some days...I wonder if I really know who the real 'me' is.

The very same walls that protect you can become your prison.