April 2nd, 2002

devil girl

MARTHA STEWART VS. REAL WOMEN

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will
absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I
just don't do it.

Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing
will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but
who cares?

Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip
grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip:

Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and
sauces.

The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine??????
devil girl

Bumber stickers for women....

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in Heaven, I ain't going.
4. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
5. Coffee, chocolate, men...sometimes things are just better rich.
6. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
7. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
8. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
9. I'm out of estrogen...and I have a gun.
10. Guys have feelings too. But like, who cares?
11. Next mood swing: 6 minutes
12. And your point is?
13. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
14. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
15. Do not start with me. You will not win.
16. You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
17. All stressed out and no one to choke.
18. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
19. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
20. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
21. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
22. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Courtesy of a long time ago email from Bryan :)
devil girl

(no subject)

INSTRUCTIONS ON REPLACING MOUSE BALLS
(I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This apparently was
a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all
seriousness...This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all
field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this
memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note
the last sentence)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it
may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly
trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are
replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It
is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge
of removing and replacing these necessary items.
devil girl

(no subject)

I feel better. Got my room clean a bit, fixed dinner, did some laundry (well, okay, its still in the dryer). It wasn't much...but, it helped pick up the mood. Even got my bed made. Go me. I'm now in the process of rewarding myself with a movie I've been wanting to see (hentai to be exact, thanks sandybear ;) ), cup of cocoa and a few fresh baked cookies. Yuuummmmmm.
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished