April 14th, 2002

devil girl

(no subject)

Someone I talk to online asked me if I were as attractive as my brain. I thought about this on my drive to the club. Its funny, I've never considered myself beautiful or attractive. By the same token, I've never considered myself ugly either.
I've learned to take compliments over the years, but I still don't take them terribly gracefully. When I was growing up, a compliment was always followed by a 'but'. "You're a pretty girl, but your bangs are always in your face", "You're pretty, but you need to lose weight." etc. I guess I began to just wait for the other end of the compliment. I didn't know how to take them really, and I still don't. I just nod, smile, blush and mumble a thank you.
I think its just my perceptions of what's beautiful. I have no issues with observing beauty in most people, regardless of actualy physical form. The human body, male and female, is a work of art, and I love to watch people move. Somehow though, I never associate myself with that. I'm the girl that's divided and in the back of the room. Part of me craves the attention pretty girls get...the other part is content to remain in the background, never really noticed. When I'm in the center of attention, often times I have no idea what to do with the attention. Bryan gets a particular joy out of letting me know I'm the center of attention much more than I notice.
After all this, all I can give this person is..I'm just me.
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