May 9th, 2002

devil girl

I should have known better...

But, the masochist in me made me do it. Yeah. I read Tyr's journal. I wasn't prepared to hear about a possible interest in his life. *sigh* No, I didn't expect him to just sit still and do nothing..and I don't begrudge him being interested in another woman. After all, I've found other interests too, and it would be too much to ask that he not be. And inhuman. I just...wasn't ready for it. I'm not sure if I want to cry or not. Letting go is such a fucking pain.....but, I know that I have to, if I don't....*shrugs* I can't move on, and I have to. What choice do I have, really? I guess....as much as I'd like to think that I'm okay..maybe I'm really not. Maybe that's why reading it bothered me a little. Yes, I'll admit, I felt a pang of jealousy. *blows out a breath* Life goes on. I'll always love him, this much I know....but, he doesn't want me as a lover...so...yeah. Move on.
Tomorrow is my birthday....I'll be 29. I'm not sure how to feel about that either. It seemed so far away, until today. It seemed that I'd never get here...and, now that I am..what now? Its the last year of my 20's. *blink* It shouldn't be a huge deal I know..and in some respects it isn't. But...the last year of my 20's....there are goals, dreams, that have not been met. Things I wanted to do, that I didn't. Why? I don't know..maybe I thought I had forever in my 20s? I wanted to be married and have kids by this time..I'm not. Not that I feel a biological clock ticking or anything..I don't. I'm in no hurry to run out and find a man to marry..shit, I'm not entirely sure I'm over the last man enough to even consider a relationship with another. And kids, I know I'm not ready. So why then, this melancholy attitude, like I've missed something? I don't know. Maybe its just letting go of life plans as they are...? Happy birthday to me.
  • Current Music
    "Hero" - from the Spiderman movie
devil girl

Blown diet

Grr. So, today, I'm going to blow the diet. Its not a huge deal...I can straighten up tomorrow, and I will. Its just that..between the croissant and mocha for breakfast (Hey, I've been good all week, so there) and the chips with my chicken today..and, the soda. Well, I've blown most of my points..and I haven't had dinner yet, which will have to be picked up on the road most likely. I work the club tonight, and I've discovered that rather than try and scramble for dinner and getting ready - its just easier and less stressful to get it on the go. That means though another 10-15 points on dinner alone - and that's McD's. *sigh* I've been so good all week - even banking points and all. Now....feh.
So, tonight, I blow my diet. Just for the night. Then tomorrow, back on track. It doesn't even feel like a diet because I have so many options. I can essentially eat what I want, as long as I stay in my point range. Yay! Makes life much easier for me. I didn't walk this week like I'd planned - so, next week. I'll pack a bag on Sunday so all I have to do is bring it in. I don't mind using the treadmills..and, really, there's nothing I do at home that can't wait a 1/2 hr longer or so. So..those are the plans. I'm hoping that blowing my points today won't hold me up too much. No, I won't let it lapse and happen all the time, I'm determined. But, everyone has to jump off the wagon on occassion.
  • Current Mood
    *sigh*
devil girl

The circus is coming to town! Hooray, hooray!

Bryan emailed me today to tell me that Cirque De Soliel is coming to town with their show Dralion on August 1st. He had the thought to ask me if I wanted tickets. Uhm, lemme think on that *not even a second later* HELL YES!!! Hello???? OF COURSE I want tickets....big Cirque fan here. Ya think?? I'm excited now and its 3 months away. *dances around* I get to go to the circus! Wooo!
devil girl

(no subject)

I'm quickly becoming totally disenchanted with people in general. *sigh*
I'm supposed to get together with a friend for my birthday. So he said. I've made other plans, because I haven't seen or heard from him in a week or more. I know he's busy...but, yeah. Whatever. Disenchanment. Do I just set my expectations too high?