June 7th, 2002

devil girl

(no subject)

So, I just took a little trip down memory lane. Well, not just. It started last night. Damn early mornings. I miss him. Two hims. One recent, one not.
The not so recent one..my first love. I don't miss him so much as what we had. The desire to simply *touch* one another. Not sexually (though that too...) but..just touch. And enjoy. A simple caress. Holding hands. Kissing. Cuddling. All of it..sexual and not. *sigh* I crave it.
The other 'him'....knows who he is, if he even reads this anymore. I hope he was talking about me....*shrugs* At any rate, he seems to be doing better.
As for me, I'm doing alright. I have my occassional lapses..but, for the most part, life is good :) Last night is a prime example.
Took Helena with me to the Grind...and yes, I actually dance. A lot. *whew* It felt GOOD! My muscles burned and I was out of breath and sweaty when the night was done..but, my God.....
And with Helena...I can relax enough to just dance. For awhile I felt like a total idiot, but after a bit, it was just fun. I just..let go, not much, but a little. And that, is a start. I have to admit, there were a few times last night where I envied her. She's so confident in herself, and so outgoing..it shows, and it draws the men. Oddly, its not so much the drawing of the men that I envied her for..but, the outgoing confidence she has. Hopefully some of it will rub off on me ;) I can say, I'm getting better. Less shy. Not quite as much the wallflower as I used to be. Its small steps, but steps just the same.
After dancing, we went to Denny's with a group of people. That was enjoyable too. Very much so..even though I was picked on, and almost made to yelp in the middle of the resteraunt :P. It was nice to just...be. That's the best way to describe it...last night..I just...was. I was me, not as guarded as I usually am, not as quiet. Cheese sticks will never look the same to me though ;)