November 13th, 2002

devil girl

Coming to terms..

On the way to work this morning, I realized a few things. I realized just how much I hate the commute. This never used to be a big deal, in fact, there was a time when I found it enjoyable. Location didn't seem to play a big part in this. Maybe it does now, I'm not sure. All I know is that now, I hate it. I grind my teeth the whole way, and its more a feel of dragging myself into work rather than going to work. I find that I get increasingly more angry at other commuters each day I commute. I know that I get road rage, but I don't recall getting it quite so often, or so strongly. I also realized just how negative I've become. I used to enjoy company, now there's few people I can stand being around. I don't like socializing, I hate the phone and generally dont answer it. I hate talking on the phone. All this is starting to effect me very seriously. I despise things I never used to. I know that the people who call into work are only a small portion of the population, but still, it seems overwhelming some days, and seems to have creeped into other areas of my life. I had a policy at one time - work was work, and it didn't come home. Now, its there all the time. I don't like that I've become so negative, so jaded to people in general, and less willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. I hate that this job is a constant stress now, so much so that I'm having to take a deep breath and remind myself its just a job. Its also affecting me on a physical level. I get more headaches, my stomach bothers me more often. It isn't my co-workers, most of them are wonderful people, even if they get on my nerves occassionally. Its the job. The fact that I'm expected to do more, at the same quality, with less time and less tools. Its the fact that I'm bound to the CV&Bs, but management doesn't seem to be, and yet they pretend that they are and act as if we aren't smart enough to know. Its the fact that I'm expected to do follow up and required quizes 'between calls'. Nevermind the fact, that I don't have 'between calls', the queue is constantly red. Okay, every so often, it changes to yellow or orange, but still. My point is, its not like before where you had 2 or 3 minutes before your next, there's hardly time to breathe, much less do any required stuff. I don't get paid to do it on my time, and quite frankly, I'd rather do something else. At lunch, I don't want to bother with work stuff. This is a tactic to keep what remains of my sanity. I know that I've said it before, several times in fact, but I need a new job. Soon. There's no way around it now. I don't like that I've become so negative, and I don't see that improving while I'm here.