November 26th, 2003

devil girl

(no subject)

So, there's a lot going on right now. Not all of it positive. Granted, its not all negative either...which is probably good, because I think I'd go nuts.
We have to move. And while part of me wants to be really upset about this, the greater part of me understands the reasons. And in the face of that understanding, all the anger fades. Given the current situation, if I were there, I'd do the same I'm sure. At least, now, its a friendly parting....and that means a lot. I've enjoyed the company, and being able to live here. I'd like for that enjoyment of friendship to, better to end things as they are then wait until any last vestige of a friendship is destroyed.
Part of me is relieved. I know what's going to, its just a matter of figuring out *how* its going to happen. Part of me is excited to move...its a change. Its new, its exciting, its scary. We'll have a place just for our family, with no housemates. And, maybe, that's what we need right now. So, no, I can't be angry. There are positives to this as well.
I know that we can rebuild from this, I just hope its soon. The stress is almost too much to bear...for us both, I think. We've talked some, but I end up feeling like what I've said is empty air. There's so much I've kept bottled up, simply because I'm getting tired of repeating it...and it not having any affect whatsoever on day to day life. And, to top it off...I've felt like I've become uninteresting, even to the man who loves me. I'm sure this is just a bump in our road, but sometimes, I really do wonder.
I have given in to wondering if things would be simpler as a single parent. Again, there are positives and negatives to this. But, I'm not sure I'm ready to seriously contemplate going down that road yet. Part of me thinks that I should stay, because it -is- a hard time, and if we get through it, we'll be that much stronger. We aren't married, but part of being committed to someone is going through thick and thin with them. I'm just beginning to wonder if it outweighs the possible reward. I don't want to take my son from his father, or his sister. Those are considerations, though not all of what holds me here.
Its strange, because when I do think about possibly moving on. (Again, its contemplation, no actual plans to do so...more of a 'what if' deal, if that makes sense)...I don't think of moving on with someone else. I think of moving on on my own, with my son of course. I realized this morning, with something of a jolt, that every time I've made the choice to leave things in the past, its always been to be with someone else, never to be on my own. Not that I've not been on my own, because I have....but, those were times when I've been left behind. Oddly, the times I've been left behind far outreach the times I've actively chosen to leave. This, to me, seems like progress in some ways. I'm finally thinking that I can make it on my own, and I don't -need- anyone to help me in a romantic sense. Yeah, sure, I need help...friends and the like, but that's different. I'm proud of myself for this way of thinking...for finally believing that I -can- find a way to make it on my own. Granted, I may not have to....but, the belief that I can is refreshing. Oh, I don't think that it'll be easy necessarily, but that's alright.
Its been suggested that he go see a doctor for depression. I'm thinking that really wouldn't be a bad idea for either of us.
devil girl

(no subject)

You are... WAIT! - you're none of the Sins you're
an Angel!
Perfect, or close enough, and annoyingly so! Did
you always
behave so 'just right'. ARGHHH . You can annoy the
hell outta
people with your attitude, but no doubt your church
is real happy
with you. The positive side certainly outweighs the
after all, you do chores, are smart, are cute, do
charity work.
Least you know what a perfect saint you are. You
just make the rest
of us sinners vomit. Perhaps you could break the
rules once in a while, go wild - Eat an extra
cookie or something.
However - congratulations on being the most pure,
of the entire human race.

?? Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

SEE?! I keep telling you people I'm angel...... *smirk*
devil girl

(no subject)

So, I'm reading someone's journal and there's a post in which he asks people who he's removed from his friends list to remove him from theirs. I'm on that list. Now, I'm not bothered that he doesn't read my journal. What amazes me, is that he's requesting, on a public journal, mind you, that people remove him from thier list. Here's a thought...if you don't want the general public reading your journal - don't make it public. *gasp* I know, difficult, ain't it?

Oh yeah, if by some slim chance he is reading this...don't worry, I have removed you from my friends list. Sorry that I, you know, found interest there. But hey, thems the breaks....I'll respect the request, laughable as I find it.
devil girl

(no subject)

Message for Wednesday:
Sometimes a catastrophe is just what we need to loosen up and start living again! Expectations, plans and dreams can sometimes take on a life of their own. We can become prisoner to our own visions. Fearful of feeling, thinking or experiencing anything outside of the narrow little pathway we somehow chose. As plans fail, we become free again. The path before us becomes uncertain, leaving us wide open. We are advised to take advantage of every ruined plan, spoiled dream and disappointment. Success and abundance in all areas of life await us. The only requirement is that we be willing to accept them in whatever form they appear.

That's my daily online tarot reading. Its eerily accurate.
devil girl

So, now where do I go?

It was pointed out to me that in my last 'in depth' post, that I was strong. Its funny, because I think at the heart of it, I've never thought of myself that way, but that's always what I've longed to be. So often in my life, I feel its passing me by and I'm not sure how to grab ahold of it. Well, I'm still not sure in a general sense, but at least now I have the faith that I'm strong enough to, even if I do waver in that sometimes. In this situation, I'm feeling overwhelmed and helpless. I thought about things today, things that are too numerous and vague to even attempt to list here...and I discovered that this time, the question for me isn't how do I go about not feeling helpless anymore...but how do I go about getting myself to the point where I'm motivated to *do* something about that helpless feeling.
This is why I said that perhaps its not a bad idea for us both to go in for possible depression. I've never had to deal with the concept before on a personal level - at least, not to my knowlege. Perhaps its gone undiagnosed in the past simply because I didn't realize it for what it was? At any rate, that's irrelevant at this I need to move forward and not worry about what I did or did not catch in the past. So, is this feeling of helplessness, and the lack of motivation to do anything about it on any concrete level depression? If so, how do I go about conquering this? I know that sometimes drugs can help, but I'd really like to avoid that if possible. Yes, I know, these are things to discuss with my doctor...but, how do I sum up all the little symptoms that seem to be pointing in that direction? And how do I keep myself from thinking that -every- instance of feeling helpless is depression? Because, logically, I don't think it is. But, then, I don't suppose depression has anything to do with logic.
So, the question I keep coming back to do I use my new realized strength to get myself into a better position? Motivational wise - that needs to come first, but that's the problem. I get so overwhelmed, that I'm not motivated to do anything...and thus, I sit here on the computer, burying myself in my characters to escape. Now, I don't think everyone who roleplays is an escapist, so please don't read anything into that....I think, that for the first time in a long time, I've come to recognize that's what -I'm- doing. And I need to stop. But...having this information, how do I then convert it to action?
On the note of motivation, I can say that I'm rather proud of myself. I found some, on a small scale for today, and I've managed to do a few loads of laundry, which has nearly wiped out that humongous pile we had. I'm in the process of putting it away, but thought I'd pause to note these thoughts before they faded away into oblivion. There was a corner of the bedroom that was taken up by clothes that were either going to be given away or thrown away (those that are in no condition to give away), and that's been cleared...well, put into appropriate bags at least. At any rate, the corner looks much better and its not driving me nuts anymore. That just leaves the rest of the room, heh.
I have a plan outlined for myself to gear up for this moving, and I'm hoping I'm able to stick to it. Of course, for this to be carried out, I need boxes. Some will come soon, I hope. (PS..Kyros, if you still have access to boxes through work, I'd -greatly- appreciate some!) Basically, the plan is to start with Garrett's room, which has pretty much been used for storage and go through it, packing the things we want to keep and move with us and getting rid of the stuff we don't. My goal is to have most everything packed by the time we move so I don't have to do it in a big rush like I usually do - thanks to poor planning and procrastination (a life long hurdle). Now, this all depends on when we're able to move, of course....but, I'd like to have at least some of it done. I'd also like to have the boxes neatly labled so I know where everything goes - and if it goes into storage, I'll know generally what's in it. Idealistic, I know...but if I work towards that, maybe I can accomplish some semblance of order.
So, anyway, those are my thoughts.....and now I'm off to clear the bed of clean clothes :)
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
devil girl


I just realized that I've been on LJ for almost two years now. Actively journaling during that sort of blows my mind. I've never kept a paper journal that long - though I've considered having a notebook or something. I've got so many things that haven't been transcribed to the computer yet - like my birth experience. Heh. Fortunately, I have it written down - but maybe a tablet for such occassions where I'm not at a computer but feel the need to chronicle my time spent and my thoughts is warrented. I'll think on that more.
devil girl

(no subject)

I've been looking over my posts in the past, namely from 2001 at the moment (and yes, I have been working on laundry too), and its remarkable how much things have changed.
For instance this post. I've just recently experienced what I talked about in that...the public sex thing. It happened at one of the parties I recently went to...and, oddly, it didn't take so much as I thought. A blindfold, and a feeling of acceptance and welcome...a feeling that I'm not sure I've had to the degree I've needed at the Wet Spot. That's not to say that I haven't felt accepted and welcome...but, I guess, to me its just not as intimate of a group as the Sextopia (and now the other group) are. And, ultimately, I think that's what I needed.