August 19th, 2005

devil girl

(no subject)

So, I guess I should do a real update. I've considered it, considered what I'd say. But, when I sit down....its all gone, blank. Lately, I haven't had the motivation or the energy to do a real update - other than my studies. Maybe tomorrow sometime, I can put some thought to it...figure out where to begin. Right now, I think...I think I'm going to go make myself the ultimate comfort food (for me) - cocoa and toast, and curl up in front of the boob tube for a bit.
devil girl

Reading for me

I did a reading for myself this morning, simply because its been awhile since I've worked with this particular deck. That, and I've been feeling a bit off and anxious. I used the Morgan's Tarot, which is not a traditional tarot. I also blended a traditional celtic cross with a personal one - using the positions of 3, 4, 5 and 6 as traditional meanings (for me conscious, subconscious, past and future) as well as the elements and correspondences - Earth above the center/crossing, and laying them out to the right. Also, the places in the column are 7 - Go 8 - Caution 9 - Things that need to stop 10 - Outcome. The link has the card pictures and meanings, if anyone's curious. Feed back is always welcome :)

1. Go ahead on
2. Tee hee Ha Ha
3. Mushroom
4. Do it now
5. I come from a different planet
6. Robot
7. Keep up the good work
8. Wordless
9. Virgin Sun Goddess
10. Baba

I want to move ahead, but feel like somebody may be laughing at me, or trying to make a fool of me. While subconsciously, I may feel different from everyone, I may not realize it because I'm not consciously thinking of that. If I take control of my life now, I can stop feeling like a robot. If I make sure to communicate, stop being so wishy-washy and keep up the good work, I will eventually be enlightened or set upon a new and better path.

I posted this also in tarotmusings community, but felt it important enough for me to post here :) I just have to write it down in my journal for readings when I get up... :)
devil girl

Real update

I've been doing a lot of internalizing. That may be why I haven't posted much..that, and what I've been doing has been mostly domestic stuff. There's been a lot of pushing forward with something. I've been feeling a need to change...but that change seems to be just outside my reach. I'm not sure what's the next step for me..there's choices that need to be made, and each takes a bit of consideration. However, I do realize that I can't just wait for things to work themselves out...take action by not takiing any at all.
I'm trying not to hide in my computer, like I have before. Oh sure, I'm still around...still roleplay and chat, but I'm trying to keep it to times when I'm not active with the kids, or need to be tending the house. That doesn't mean I won't be on during the day at all..but, if I am, it will be for limited times, likely when the kids are napping or playing quietly or something. This shouldn't be a big change, because its been more or less like that anyway. I'm determined not to miss out on life to waste away online.
On the job front, I'm not getting enough hours to support myself and the kids. I like this job because I like the flexibility, and the person I work for. It would also allow me to pursue the real estate. However, I need more hours. I need to be able to work full time. I know Bossman will understand if I have to leave, but I hate to do so. I'm thinking maybe I can suggest mom do the work, if I find a new job. It'll be good for her...some extra income and flexible enough that she can still care for grandma.
Ruthie sent me a couple links for jobs at Children's. This would be ideal, I think. It would provide full time work, give me benefits and provide day care from what she's said. It isn't ideal for pursuing real estate, of course. But, I'm coming to the conclusion that I may have to give that idea up. At least I can be happy in the knowlege that I finished the course, even if I can't put that knowlege into practice yet..or maybe not at all. Well, I do want to buy a house, I guess at some point I'll have that knowlege to back me up. The more I think on it, the more I become alright with this idea...of moving on and changing even this. Yes, I'm a little disappointed, but I don't feel the time studying was wasted...everything has a reason. I learned that for a reason, even if I don't know it yet.
On the home front, things have been coming together. I've been trying to get the house in better condition. There's a lot that needs to be done still, but if I take it one project at a time, it won't be so overwhelming. I've got to keep up on what I've done too, or it'll just be a loosing battle. I don't want to spend all day, every day cleaning and such. If I keep it picked up and decently clean, it'll be easier to do things. A couple days ago, I did the living room. I got it all picked up and vacuumed, except under the furniture. I planned on doing that today, but haven't gotten to it. It hasn't been picked up again either since then..mostly because Jae's not been sleeping well. I find its better to wait until they go to bed and come downstairs to pick up the toys, rather than try it before they're in bed. If I keep it picked up, then doing things like vacuuming and pulling out the furniture to clean beneath won't be such a daunting task. Yesterday, I did the kitchen. I got the table and counters -clean-, even bleached. I washed the high chairs, swept and mopped the floor. I only did the swiffer mop, but the floor looks so much better. I had also planned on taking the regular mop to the tougher spots on the floor, but haven't gotten to that either. Maybe tonight after dinner, which I'll be making soon. It won't take me so long to clean up after dinner if I can keep it this way. I'm determined to do this. Even if I can't make it work here, when I move out on my own, I'll have the basic pattern down. I'm trying not to just wait and fall into that "do it tomorrow" mentality that lets things build to the point that its just so overwhelming to look at. My next project, I think, will be the bedroom. I have some ideas what I want to do with it to make it more my space. After that, likely the music room...or maybe I'll end up doing both.
It seems I'm getting some of my motivation back, which is good. It feels good to get some of this done...even if its still sometimes overwhelming. I just have to remember to take things one step at a time..the house, the job, money...all of it. I'll be filling out some paperwork for food stamps, which will help some. I can use those until I find a job or get more hours, at least.
One step at a time....