September 2nd, 2005

devil girl


Those thoughts I mentioned...I'm going to try to pull them together. They need to be voiced, expressed....given life. If I don't..they'll fester in other ways, and I'll obssess until it drives me crazy. Of course, if I can't find the words any longer, it may do that anyway. *deep breath* Here we go...

I've been waiting for an email from a certain someone. I'm disappointed that it hasn't come. Oh, he's busy and not in town...but, I was hoping. I shouldn't stake so much hope on things. I know I shouldn't...but, I do...I get caught up. I can't do that. If I let things run away with me...its bound to end up with heartbreak. I'm so used to leaping in with both feet, eyes closed ....if it sounds like I'm reminding myself to take it slow - I am. And I will, as much as I need to. But, holding back that desire..among other things....has given over to much thought about what I want in my future.
The other night, this particular someone and I were interupted by my daughter. He left when it became apparent that she wasn't in the mood to quiet down and go back to sleep. I'm not bothered by him leaving...but, I guess, in some way I am, or something. What I feel isn't exactly clear. Disappointment for sure. I don't feel used or like he was just there for one thing. He didn't leave me 'hanging', so to speak...and I do, truly, understand. These thoughts...questions...don't need answering yet, they just need a voice. This event has made me wonder whether we're really compatable...hell, I'm wondering if it even matters right now. I'm not ready to commit to anyone new yet...and he's not in a place in his life where he can do so, either. Half of me says "But, what if?" ...the other half says "Don't worry, it'll work itself out. It isn't time to question." But, I can't help myself.
I mean..I know we're compatable on a lot of levels. I enjoy spending time with him, I enjoy talking to him. But, I find myself holding back bits of my life. Why? Because I'm not sure. I'm not sure where this is heading, I'm not sure exactly how involved with me and my life he wants to be. I'm not sure I can open everything to him if I'm not sure of my footing. That gaping abyss beneath my feet is still a little too fresh. So, for the last couple of days, I've been obessessing..tormenting myself with the questions, the big lurking "What if". I will always maintain that that question is the most evil question in existance. You can never answer it only seems to lead to more questions, if you're lucky. If you aren't so leads to doubt and insecurity, and that only breeds fear. Yes, I speak from experience...recent, as a matter of fact.
But, I'm rambling...avoiding the topic at hand. I'm not giving voice to those things I need to give voice to. My future....I want someone to be by my side. I want someone to curl up to at night...despite the fact that I'm not yet ready to commit to that person (whoever they may be). In this, I've realized....if someone's going to be more than a casual aquaintance of mine, they must deal with my children. They must be willing to spend time with my children, because I can't always get away. They must be willing to have nights where things just don't work out for a sexual tryst. No, they don't necessarily have to raise my children....but, they do have to become a part of their lives to some degree. I mean...I don't know. The thoughts are there..and not there. I wish I could elegantly put this....that this could be more coherent than it is. But, this is me...rambling and round-about.
The kids are such a big part of my life. Until recently, I guess I didn't realize just how much they affect every aspect of my life. There's so much I have to consider that I never had to before. Who do I bring home? How will they be with the children? How far do I take the relationship? Can they be a strong male influence for my kids? Its so overwhelming, it almost makes me sick.
Honestly, this certain someone.....I don't see him going to the zoo with us on a sunny afternoon. Maybe, when circumstances change, I can begin to see such things. But, right now...I don't...and it makes me wonder. No, right now, its not important that he do so. But....on the other hand, I find myself holding back the part of my life that includes the kids. I talk to him about the kids, he's met them...sort of. He hasn't been around them, really....and it startles me to find that I have no idea if he even wants to be around them. I know he doesn't mind kids so much...but, that doesn't mean he wants to be around them...much less kids as small as mine that require as much attention as mine do.
So, now...where does this leave me? What does this mean? *sigh* I almost want to cry...and I can't even say why. I hate standing on the edge of a cliff when I can't see where to place my feet...
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devil girl

(no subject)

Its come to my attention that not everyone is happy with my last post. I'm not entirely sure how to respond....I have a couple options. I can reset my filters, and hope that it doesn't cause more drama, or I can deal with the small bits that come in my email. Frankly, I have nothing to hide...and if one wants to read my journal, that is one's choice. I shouldn't have edit or filter what I say.
I want to point out that last night wasn't about me being with someone was about me. It was about me giving thought to the future - as the title said. It was me processing where my life is, and where I want it to be eventually. Am I 'over' things? Not necessarily. But, I do have to move on. I have the kids, and because of that, I can't be wallowing the past. I have to look toward the future and make some sort of plan...and though I don't have a plan for a new partner laid out, I do have some idea of what I'd like in general. I've learned from this last relationship, and for that I'm grateful. I haven't forgotten what it was, in the beginning or in the end.
The 'couple years' haven't been washed away, to be callously replaced by someone new. But, that doesn't mean that I can't move on. I am healing, as I I need to. The process isn't complete yet, and that's okay. I have found someone to give my attention to, but for the moment, that's all it is. Its not a new daddy for the kids...I'm not entirely sure I'd even call it 'dating' per se. He's someone I can talk to, someone I can just be with, and that relaxes me. I have every right to become more social...every right to move on, to be happy with who I am, where I am and where I want to go with my life.
If someone can't allow that to happen, then I'm sorry. Its no longer about anyone else. Its about me.
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    hopeful hopeful