November 6th, 2005

devil girl

(no subject)

Where to begin? Well, I've been spending some time with someone....and its been really great. The kids get along really well with him, which is encouraging. I relax around him....I can just -be- around him. I enjoy his company...and find that I miss him when he's gone. I smile at work, because I'm in a good mood.
Last night was the first time he and I have been in the LH environment together. For the most part, it was fine. I enjoyed myself, and I know he did too. For that, I'm really happy. We aren't a couple....hell, I'm not sure what we are. That's alright I guess...I have to remind myself one day at a time ;) So, in the desire not to give the impression that we arrived together, had arrangements together, etc.... we didn't. He planned on going before we started spending time together.
Last night, on my part, could have gone better. I ended up upset and a little hurt, and angry at myself for feeling very vulnerable when there wasn't really a cause. Things didn't get communicated...wants, desires....and when they did (sort of), it was late. If I'd been well rested, it would have been a small bruise, and I woulda been fine. I wasn't well rested (still not...), and thus, that small thing became a very big thing. I didn't discuss it with him, because I knew it was me...had nothing to do with him, or what he was doing. I talked to a friend at the party, and it helped put things in perspective. It helped too, that the other lady checked in with me in the interest of looking out for my wounded feelings.
Today, I've been obsessing over things that I typically don't this early in the game. I think I realized a few things last night, and it hit me all at once and unexpectedly. Blech. I hate that...never did know how to properly handle that kind of thing. Today has been 'off'. I've been mopey and quiet ....not much fidgeting or pacing for me today. I know a good part of it is being tired....very tired. Part of it is this quirk of mine to obsess on things until I chew it up beyond recognition.
I want open and honest communication - right from the start. That means, I have to work on that as well. This is my biggest lesson, I think, communication. There's so many things going on inside that just, somehow, don't get articulated. So many things I think and feel, I can't possibly vocalize them all. So many that, on occassion, they get all jumbled up....and I really don't know what the hell I'm doing, or feeling. So, chalk last night up to being tired...and having expectations or hopes that weren't placed in an open arena - so to speak.
On the up side - I do feel a bit more stable today, a bit more secure. This is nice. Stupid insecurities. Why do they always seem like they're under control and sneak back to bite me in the ass? Bastards.
The advice I got last night? To follow my intution. Good advice.....if you know what you're intuition is telling you! Between what my head tells me and what my heart tells me, my intution gets lost somewhere between. Some days, I hate having a girly brain. ARGH.
devil girl

Every so often

Every so often, I long for a storybook love; a love that lasts a lifetime, before I remember I thought I had that.
Every so often, I can see the gaping hole in my heart and know that some wounds are still raw
Every so often, I cry myself to sleep in the middle of the night, just to know that I’m not numb inside.
Every so often, I become the shadow longing for someone to see me
Every so often, I feel so out of reach only to realize I placed myself there
Every so often, I feel vulnerable to the world; and tuck myself away inside my head
Every so often, I live in fear, only to stumble and fall
Every so often, I remember to breath and live each day as it is
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    indifferent indifferent
devil girl


I know he reads this every so, I hope that I haven't spooked him off.