September 22nd, 2006

devil girl

Here I am.....again....

I haven't updated much. Really, things are pretty status quo. As usual, I'm irritated with my family. I feel 'stuck' and cooped up. I work too much...or not enough, depending on how you look at it.

Grandma's home now. You'd think the chaos would stop, since we all know that it drives gradma crazy. You'd think wrong. Now Gary wants to go through the boxes downstairs, in the basement, under the guise of "helping" grandma. Now, I have yet to figure out exactly how this helps grandma. Oh, wait, I guess uncovering the pool table to give it to my cousin is helpful. My mistake. And, apparently, this desire to give the pool table to his daughter means that he has every right to go through and fold the laundry we had downstairs. Because we don't mind him going through our personal panties or anything. Jackass.

The family, as usual, treats mom and I like we don't really exist. We're "lucky" to be there. My ass we are. Sure, I pay less rent than I would anywhere a compensation for that though, I can't have a social life. Gary has actually done everything of outright tell me I can't have friends over. Why? Because it upsets grandma. Nevermind that him going through her things - placing her laundry on the dining room table - does the same. But, *that's* okay. I can't raise my children, because grandma continually interferes...the other day, she actually told my children I didn't know what I was going. According to Gary though, I'm not supposed to take it personally.

At work, we've just done a shift bid. I've put in to start a little later, and work 4-10s with weekends off. I'm hoping I get that, but am not holding my breath. I chose some other shifts that allowed Sat and Sunday off. It won't allow me much time to myself...but, maybe it'll take some stress off mom. And I'll get more time with the kids.

Cross reading

Done with Gilded Tarot

1. This is what it is all about, the core of the issue.
2. This is not important now, you should not do this.
3. This is very important now, this you should do.
4. It will lead to this.

Cards are layed in a small cross

1 2

1. Strength

Looking forward. Inner strength.
Book: The message of strength reminds you that you have more strength, power and courage than you realize. Be aware of two extremes - letting it control you and do not deny your own power.

2. The Chariot

Movement. Spinning wheels.
Book: Willpower and control. Recognize your own strength and ability to maintain order in the midst of chaos. Know that you can achieve more than you think you can. Celebrate your accomplishements. Be aware of turning away from ideas that puzzle you.

3. Nine of Wands

Rest. Victory.
Book: Things did not turn out as you planned, and you aren't sure why. Take time to reflect, to determine what happened. Learn from the situation and resume "battle". Be aware of despair.

4. Two of swords

A blind choice.
Book: The battle between head and heart remains unresolved. You are faced with a decision you don't want to make. Look squarely at the situation. Likely, you know what to do and are afraid to make the choice. Be aware of ignoring the situation for too long.

I'll record more later.

Basically, I have more strength and power than I realize. I deny myself this aspect by continuing to think that I'm powerless or hopeless in my situation. If I don't turn away ideas that seem to need some "figuring out" and don't despair, in the end I'll know what to do. This won't make it easy, and I may be afraid...but if I ignore what's going on, things won't get better.

Edit done 09/23/06