onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

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Why can't I....

Be more sexually...forward? Aggressive isn't really the word I'm looking for. I want sex more often, but when I think of actually initiating something - I freeze. It's like, I can think but not act. Is it because it puts me in control and I don't like that? Is it years and years of 'training' to be modest? The idea that 'women don't do that'? (Thank grandma) I mean..I just freeze.
Last night for instance. I wanted to start things..but, I ended up just more or less in laying in bed, trying to talk myself into actually moving and touching him. When I did manage to make myself touch him...just his thigh, mind you....he was asleep. I understand that I can't always wait for him, or any man, to *always* initiate things. There's no reason he should have to always initiate. Do I really think he's going to reject me if I initiated? I doubt it. If so, it would be the act, and not me. I know this. Yet, I still can't seem to make myself do anything. Its not that I have a problem touching him, I love touching him, sexually or non. God knows, I find this man incredibily attractive, on so many levels. So, what the fuck is my issue? I mean, it should be easy for me to start things, shouldn't it? It should be easy for me to smile at him, reach out and gently caress him. *sighs* In some ways, I think I envy his ex. From what little I've been told about her, it seems she was much more forward than I am. I mean, after all, she did point him in the direction of the lifestyle. She started exploring with him. That sounds much more forward than I am. Granted, there's a lot I don't know about her, or their relationship. How does one go about learning to be more sexually forward?

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