onyx (onyxangel) wrote,
onyx
onyxangel

Reflections

I'm going to lunch with an old friend today, and while I'm excited about seeing him and grateful that we 'hang out' now, I have realized how much I've changed since we were dating...and how much he hasn't, or at least, I haven't seen it. I'm sure he has, at least to some degree. Its been roughly 7 or 8 years since we've dated, and he's one of a few that I've stayed friends with, despite the few years we didn't speak due to distances and differences.
Now I look at him and sometimes wonder why I dated him. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love him as I always have....I'm just not sure I was ever in love with him. Funny, if he had asked me to marry him when we were dating, I probably would have said yes. Its a moot point as he never asked, and now I'm in a different place. I'm glad it didn't happen though, my life could have been (and most likely would have been) drastically different. Hind sight is 20-20.
When I'm around him, I realize just how much I've changed from when we were dating. I don't think that I could put a name to all the changes, or even really define it all. I know that my views on what is beautiful has expanded greatly since I've been in the bdsm lifestyle. I am currently working on applying those views to myself :) I never thought of myself as ugly, conversely I have never looked at myself and said "I look beautiful today". Now, I notice that men and women I never would have thought as beautiful in a physical sense, are. My preferences for sexual attraction hasn't changed much, but my appreciation of the human body has.
I have also grown in my beliefs of the world and the way it works. I now have a set 'logic' of faith that works for me, though the specific path I take to express this faith is a little misty. But, when I take a look at my past, I realize that these beliefs have always been with me in one form or another - I just didn't realize it, or have them as....cemented, I guess, as I do now. I've come a long way, even though I sometimes forget that. There are days when I feel like I've gotten nowhere, but in reality, I'm worlds away from where I started.
All in all, I think I've changed for the better. I have no regrets in my life, only because I've learned from each thing..even if I can't say what it was I learned. I came away different, and hopefully better. I grew. I still grow....
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