onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

I pulled this up with the intention of writing my thoughts. But, sitting here, with Fenris next to me, its hard. I don't know why...mabye it was because it felt like a private moment....and now its not so. I know that its a public journal, and my private thoughts generally shared...but, when writing there still seems to be a sense of privateness. *sigh* Early morning ramblings that leave me feeling....stuck. Not in my relationship by any means. But..in my life.
I think that came out wrong. I'm happy, and for the most part, I wouldn't change things. In my 'mundane' life, things are good. I'm happy to be with Fenris, I'm happy about the baby, even my job..which has been getting a bit frustrating lately. Where I'm not happy, or where I feel stuck is my religious life. There's....nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. I have a faith system, and I have a belief system....but, sometimes, the path to express this isn't clear at all. In fact, for me, it never seems to be. Most of the time, its alright...I figure when I'm ready I'll know. Other times, like now, its not so okay. I'm left feeling....lost and stuck. Like...I'm not making any progress.
I did a tarot reading for myself this morning...nothing too fancy or serious. I should say, that I started reading a new book that involves witchcraft. Its not a reference book or anything...but a preteen sweet valley high but witches sorta thing. Light reading, and so far, not terribly bad. The information is fairly accurate to what I've learned in general. In this book, there's a part where they do a chant to raise energy...its a word association chant. I got the idea that I could do that with my cards...and that the easiest deck to start with would be the one I use most often. The draw back to this is that most of the cards, especially for the minor arcana have words printed on them. Normally, I appreciate this. Tonight.....I just sort of...petered...on it.
In this same book, they do a cross reading. I understood how everything connected...and the way the reading was done sounded ...well, logical and doable to me. So, I tried it....and now I'm frustrated. I layed out the cards in the usual cross, looking at each one seperately. There were a few cards I had trouble with...but most of them, I came up with a simple meaning to. However, trying to read them all together and add a 'story' to it...to make it coherent....was like trying to get the picture of a jigsaw puzzle by the pieces thrown on the floor. It was...disjointed. And, it didn't help that I couldn't relate the meanings of the cards to the positions they were in.
I feel frustrated, let down, and stuck. Like I have a key, but don't know where to look for it. The path is just ahead but covered by bushes. *sigh* I want to move forward...to where, I don't know. I want to...but, I can't seem to figure out *how*.
For those that are curious...this is my reading, though I offer no thoughts on it because I didn't get anything at all from it. I had no question in mind...just shuffled the cards and layed them out.

1. Center/Self card - 6 of disks
2. Crossing card - 6 of cups
3. Foundation (below self card) - 7 of cups
4. (Above self card) - Prince of Cups (I don't remember what it relates to position wise)
5. Past (Left of self) - Knight of cups
6. Future (Right of self) - The tower
7. (Base of colomn) - 2 of Wands (Another I don't remember position for)
8. Family/Friends - 4 of disks
9. Hopes/Dreams - 8 of swords
10. Outcome - Princess of wands

What do you make of it?

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