onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

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A fly caught in the spider's web

I ran into someone from my past tonight. It wasn't a bad thing really....but, he's one of a few that usually makes me feel like the trapped fly. Earlier, on the way home, I had this whole post in my mind.....the thoughts I wanted to put down, but now....I don't know. The thoughts are...gone. Some of them.
A bit of history....this person is part of the reason I left the club for awhile. We were in a relationship...a relationship that wasn't clearly defined, and now I know that that was part of the problem. As a result, I got hurt and needed an escape. I have seen him at the club since then, and we've talked a little. I realize now, that he was also hurt...and there were a lot of things that he wasn't sure of. I didn't communicate enough for him...and he didn't know how to teach me *to* communicate. I was angry at him for a long time..swore him off, period. In the time that's passed...I have realized also that its not entirely his fault. There are two parties to every relationship, and it can never be *all* one person's fault. There were things I could have done differently.
Keep in mind, that at this time there were a lot of other things going on to create stress in my life as well. When I have that much stress, my usual reaction is to shut down and try to sort it out and cope. This doesn't always work in a relationship. I was new to the lifestyle, and wasn't really sure what I wanted from it...or from him. This, of course, can create problems in any relationship. I was still living at home, and though I don't remember specifically what the issues were, I remember it being pretty stressful, so much so that I wanted out....desperately. Then there was the friendship with Selina. That is another terribly complicated story in itself...but, at that time, things were not working right in the friendship...and I wasn't coping with it well. All these things add up...and tear things down.
Last Thursday I saw him at the club, but never approached him. He never approached me either...and I half figured he just didn't want to associate with me. Not that I can blame him....even our friendship has been a bit rocky since then. Like I said...I was angry for a long time. Since we split up, I've never felt really comfortable around him. I'm still very attracted to him sexually...and I think that's at least part of my discomfort. I know that he's still attracted to me as well - he's told me as much. Even through all the crap, I still find him incredibly charming...but, that charm now puts me...on edge a little.
Tonight, we talked a little. About us. Or what we were. The talk has made me realize that I really have grown, and just how much. I now communicate better. I process new things better...possibly a little faster. The bdsm world doesn't seem so large and alien to me anymore. Back then, I was also starting on a new spiritual path....but now, I'm not. Granted, I have no idea where I'm headed really...but, for the most part, I'm okay with that. I don't think I was then. I realized tonight, that I don't hate him...and I never did. Yes, I was angry..and even thought I hated him. I realized also, that I let it go. When we talked about how things were, I didn't get angry or hurt. I'm proud of myself for that..and proud of my growth. Its an enlightening thing to realize that you've come so far.
I felt more comfortable around him tonight than I have in a long time. I still see his web...and I'm still not sure that I want to get tangled in it. But, I think, knowing what I do now....that we'd have a better go at things if we tried again. He's changed too.....and, tonight, I saw it. Before, it was just words. He said he'd changed...but I didn't see it. I have a better idea of what to expect from him now....and what not to expect or desire. He still wants to play....and, I'll admit, that part of me would love that. The bigger part of me, however, seems to feel like the fly caught in the silken web of the spider.
There's more....but I'm not sure how to express it. There are no words that seem to come to mind clearly enough for me to record them. Perhaps its the early morning mind fuzz.....or perhaps its just thoughts that need to be sorted out another time. I'm not sure that the spider's web is such a bad place to be....but, at the same time, I don't think I want to be that fly.

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