onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

The talk...

Yesterday Tyr and I talked, over aim, as he's in Lousianna. We talked about sex, for the first time in a bit. And, it was nice. We discussed limits, mine being children, animals, and scat/showers. I don't see those as consentual and/or healthy. Fortunately, he agress. As much as beastiality intrigues me, I have no real desire to explore that particular arena. Children are a huge NO. Not ever, not even curious. And the last I just don't feel are sanitary. I've been told for the showers that it is or can be...but, I just have trouble accepting that. This is fine by me, and I'm okay with letting others do what they will, I just won't watch.
I used to think blood was a hard limit, and choking too - but I'm not so sure on either of these. Choking, amazingly enough, makes me wet. I feared it....I've been choked, and not in a lifestyle context. I was afraid of my possible knee jerk reaction to it. But, Spike likes choking, and so with him, I explored this a bit and found I do enjoy it. Its not a 'must have' kink for me, I can live happily without it. Spike also drew blood with knife play once - it wasn't very much, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Why these things now appeal to me, I'm not sure. Maybe its the inherent danger in them? I like the fear, that's what gets my blood pounding. I'm not a pain slut by any means..but give me some fear, let me dance on the edge, and I'll fly. I'm not sure why dancing on the edge appeals to me so much. Maybe its the age old romance of it - you know, wanting to be one of the wild girls or something. I can feel that girl inside me, wanting out. The thing is, I don't know how to get her out. The me that's prominant wants things nice and neat and orderly, even safe. There's comfort in routine, and I find that comfort. Yet, there she is lingering, crying to get out...and I find myself wanting to let her out, but unsure of how to unlock the nice neat little cage she's in. Maybe that fear is how I know you dominate me. Its the manifestation of the emotion? Its 'forcing' me to trust you completely, even for just a little while. And, well, trust is an incredibly difficult thing for me - especially when it comes to men. I've run the gambit, cheated on, left behind (most of the time, its me who tries to cling to the relationship, to make it work), beaten (not in a good way), choked, nearly killed (in my own opinion). All this has left me terrified of men and relationships. Ever since that *one*, none of my relationships have lasted - and I've gone from one extreme to the other. Now, I feel like I'm finding middle ground - and I have a relationship that's working...its fitting in all the right ways. There's still some elements missing, on the kink side, but that's because we're just learning each other and exploring - its not due to a lack of interest or desire. But, that fear, is needed. I crave it. Perhaps its that, in that fear, I am helpless. Utterly helpless...
I stray ... I was putting down what Tyr and I talked about, and it wasn't all that. It was limits, yes, and these we agreed upon. It was also what we enjoy. Oral sex, mmm, yes. He asked if I enjoyed what he'd done, and I told him that I did. We are still learning each other....and sometimes, I wish he'd go a bit longer. But, we discussed this to, sort of. I told him, I'd enjoy it if we cuddled, then went at it again..he said that he likes that. He said not to be surprised if he just throws me down....and that excites me. I *want* him to do that. Take control, make me do what you want. Throw me down and fuck me, rough if you want. Just *take* the pleasure...with no concern for mine. I'll get it. In ways that I can't even begin to explain - I'll get the pleasure. Use me, and leave me wanting more. I find the more I'm with him, the more this becomes real to me...the more I want it, maybe even need it.
We talked about public sex. Thursday, at the Grind, there was a couple toward the back, having sex. Right there, in public, in full view of everyone. I was fascinated, and excited. I found my thoughts straying, thinking of Tyr and I, fucking...right where everyone could watch. Yes, it excited me, it does it to me now, just thinking on it. He seems to enjoy the idea..but, I don't know if we'll ever do that. Part of me is terrified...I mean, what if I make a fool of myself? Or what if I'm not appealing to anyone? Logically, I know I shouldn't worry about these things. Emotionally - I'm insecure about my ability and my body. Its the typical insecurities, "Im not very experienced" - "I'm not thin enough...". I'm appealing to Tyr, I *know* this...I have even felt this ... and it thrills me to no end that he finds me so. And that should be the most important person to please, and he is...but, still, some part of me can't help those worries. I know that once it happens, I'll be so caught up in the moment, in him, that it won't even matter. But, getting there.....its a road paved with "what if"s. And, its those "what if"s that keep me from pushing the idea. I want to know...want to see what I'm missing. I want to know what it feels like, to be watched by others while being fucked. The curiosity sometimes is so incredible....but, when it comes right down to it, I'm afraid. I hate this fear, but I don't know how to work around it, to push it aside. Its not as simple as taking a deep breath, closing my eyes and pushing forward. Maybe this is why I like the mind fuck, the fear that gives that rush, the push that sends me over the edge but, yet, somehow keeps me from crashing right back down to the ground.

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