onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

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Missing my man...

Alright, I'm ready. I'll admit it. I miss him. A lot. I know this will worry him, he worries about leaving in Feburary. I know he worries that he's being unfair to me, and maybe he is. But, it doesn't matter. I can handle it - or at least, I think I can. I know this doesn't exactly inspire confidence, but, well, I can't predict the future. I worry about him leaving. He's been gone a month, and I miss him so much already...I wonder how I'll manage a year without him. But, I knew when I got involved he'd be leaving. I wouldn't trade this, the fear, the apprehension...any of it. See, for the first time in my life...I feel like I belong with him. And..that alone makes everything else worth it. I can hope he feels the same...and I think (maybe its my own warped perception) that he does. I think he holds back because of Korea, and I understand why. It drives me nuts, but I understand. I want him, all of him - the good, the bad, the ugly, the fears...all of it. I'm willing to give all of myself in return. I want to...but, I'm not sure he's ready. Hell, I'm not sure I'm ready....but, if he asked..without hesitation, I would. He excites me in ways I never thought about....not just sexual either. When I'm near him, I can feel my heart lift...all the stresses of the day, melt away. I'm left with peace. In his arms, I feel protected. I've longed for that for as long as I remember...and have felt it only once before. I put up little walls, all around me....a mist that no one could navigate through. Yet, here he is. He found his way...and God, I hope his journey was worth the prize. I drove off, I can't count how many Dominants. Walked away without a second thought. Then, he showed up. He captured me without even half trying (or so it seems), leaves me wondering how he gets me to do things without so much as asking. No one has managed that. No one....not even my first love. I want to please him with everything that I have...I want to make him proud, and above all, happy. I showed him my writing...and I could almost feel the smile. I love that. I love that even though he can't be here at this moment, we can talk online. I look forward to seeing his name pop up on my aim list...and I *do* get excited, jubilant even, when I see it. Nothing else matters.
Its funny, it sounds like I'm willing to give up my life for him (not as in death..as in how I live at the moment)....and, I suppose I am...but, at the same time, I'm secure in the idea that he won't. He doesn't have reason to, and we both know this. My life and how I live is a part of me...and, as much as I'm willing to change some of it, I don't want to change the core of who I am...and, honestly, I don't think he wants that either. I would never ask him to give up the military...he wouldn't be happy. Honestly, I couldn't imagine him doing anything else really...it doesn't fit. It would take away the hero I see in him, and that would break my heart. Not that my relationship on him depends on this hero, because it doesn't. But, I love that part of him (among the other parts)....and, I think to take him from the military would take that from him. He has plans for when he's out of the military (retirement)...and I think they're wonderful. He would retain that hero part of him...and that makes me happy.
I'm rambling. My thoughts, as always, are disjointed. I can't possibly express what I feel for him, words just don't cover it. Its not logical what I feel..and I sure as hell shouldn't be feeling it so soon. But, I do. They're there...and I can't help it. I find that I don't want to help it...I want to feel it, whatever it is. This consuming....emotion. Sometimes I think I'm in love....then I think its too soon. All I know...is I adore him immensely. I like just simply being around him. I love that I excite him, that he finds me attractive. I love that he smiles when he's around me (God..those eyes...mmmm). I love that even when he's upset with me....I'm secure. A little afraid (old fears that insist on clinging to me...) ...but, secure. Its a nice feeling. Its the best feeling.
Alright, I think I have the rambling out of the way...onto something more cohesive. Maybe. Tyr and I talked again yesterday (Ohhhh, big surprise, yeah, yeah). I told him about me going to meet Spike, and he said that was alright. He said that he trusts me. I knew that..but I also knew he was so..well, not enthused the last time I was going to get together with Spike. He told me that his reaction was unfair to me - I've never given him a reason not to trust me. I know where this comes from, and that helps. That way, I know it isn't me necessarily, but some 'baggage' he's brought with him. Hey, we all have it. I'm sure I've exposed mine. He told me that if Spike "expects goodbye sex, tell him you have a man" (Grin) I had to laugh to myself. I mean, I like Spike..and sex with him was great. But, it isn't worth giving up what I have :) I'm much happier with Tyr, and the sex is just as great. All around - I've got the better end of the deal...and if you think I'm gonna chance losing that over a romp....hell NO! Besides, Spike, in being himself, reminded me why he drove me nuts in the first place. This is not a good driving me nuts. This is a clench my teeth to keep from snapping at him kind of driving me nuts. He interupts all the time (Okay, I know that I'm terrible at that....but, usually I only do it with close friends and that's just how we talk. There's also a certain etiquette that's followed, and Spike doesn't), talks over me, like he's not even interested in what I have to say kind of thing. That and he's worse than I am at starting a thought, back-tracking and/or changing directions all together. UGH!!! So, Tyr needn't have said what he did. I know he was joking, and it was amusing..but it is a clue. I like Spike, and I enjoy his friendship, despite the above complaints, but I am highly aware (and happily so)that I do, indeed, have a man. A very good man at that (beam) Give him up for a romp with Spike??? Nope, no way. Not worth it. Not in the least. Even with him gone....I have (ahem) means. No, no, no. Wasn't even a thought....or a temptation. The most Spike wanted when I left was a hug, which was just dandy with me, since I didn't want anything more. I have my flogger back! ~does happy dance~ Yay!! I showed roomie last night...I think she was amused at the idea that it was rabbit fur. Sooooffffttttt. Yummy soft. I'm glad I went over, I can feel easier now that I've got my things back. I get apprehensive about that...possessiveness and all :)
We also talked about limits again - well, an unspoken one, being that he doesn't share. I like this, but on the other hand, sharing does intrigue me. Maybe not sharing so much, but...well, being lent out, or watched by him. (Okay, roomie TMI warning coming up ;) ) I mean, its a curiosity for me. I understand if he doesn't feel inclined to ...partake. But, I do think about him lending me to a friend to be used. Just sexually used, no attachments. (Other than maybe friendship). I think about him watching while his friend uses me. And..getting excited by it...and using me himself and joining. Or even waiting until his friend has gone and just taking me. I think about having him fuck me and someone licking my clit (male, female, doesn't matter...but, I'm not inclined to return affection to a female). ~shiver~ Mmm...and, last night...I thought about this stuff...and (ahem) yes...took care of myself. If it never happens, I won't be heartbroken....and am happy treating as 'fodder' for the mind to work from *EG* ... but, if he's agreeable...I'd love to explore. I'm so attached to him (sigh..if he doesn't know by now....hopefully I haven't just made him rethink everything and feel that I'm *too* attached)...that another could use my body (with his permission only, of course) and it wouldn't matter. It would be body only...he has everything. My body, my heart...and he's steadily working on my soul I think. (smile) And, God, I hope, if he reads this...I haven't worried him, or 'scared him off' or anything like that.
I need to write more of what I think about when I (ahem) well, do things. Yes, those things. I mean, even if it only gets explored in my mind...I may want to look back someday and see what I thought about, how my fantasies had changed. And maybe, which ones I've been able to explore.

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