onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

I'm messing around on that friendster thing, just checking out profiles and such. I'm quite proud of myself, really....I've messaged a few women who's profiles caught my interest. The significance of this is...I generally don't like women. Oh, sure, I have plenty of women aquaintances, but few that I really hang out with or would claim to 'know'. The reason? I'm not comfortable around women in general.
It feels like its competition everytime I'm around them. I'm pretty sure its just my own twisted perception...but, of yet, I haven't figured out how to alter that outlook. I'm getting better, I don't avoid them anymore. I don't think it helps that I grew up in a neighborhood full of boys, and am probably still a tom-boy at heart. I relate better to men, though they confuse me as much as women do sometimes too. With women, it seems I'm always waiting for someone to stab me in the back...whereas with men it seems to come as a total surprise if they do. Okay, its not logical, I know. Logically, I shouldn't really like either sex....I've been screwed over so many times by both men and women, its not funny.
So...women, yeah. I don't know. Maybe I can find a few that I can be close to and consider good friends...I think I keep hoping for that, but somehow I keep falling short. There's also the factor of my own insecurities. Women are generally prettier than I am, more confident...something. Its not that I feel I'm ugly....just...mn, plain jane? I dunno. Agressive or abrasive women are especially difficult for me to deal with, as I seem to loose all backbone around them. Its not that I cave in so much as I just sorta....remain silent and try to blend in so as not to be the object of their attention. With men, its not so. I have a difficult time with men who are that way too, but not as much.
Well, I guess that's enough rambling....I'm in danger of repeating msyelf if I keep going.

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