onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

Last night...

In some ways was sort of tough for me. An emotional low, at least for some of the night. I called Tyr to say hi. He said that he wasn't feeling well..I asked if I could bring him anything. He said I could come down if I wanted - and I said I would if he wanted me to, otherwise I didn't really have plans. This led to irritation. *sigh* It seems, the last few days, I've done little but irritate him.
Already feeling low with myself, I packed and headed down. When I got there, things were okay for a bit. I enjoyed cuddling on the couch with him, and worried about him not feeling well. We joked around a bit too. A bit of history, I wanted to be more sexually forward ... and I have tried a couple times, but I think my timing and/or technique has been off. This missed timing, or lack of technique, combined with his sex drive...has left me frustrated and feeling like maybe he doesn't want me sexually. I know that most of this has been built up in my mind...and I know its probably because he's leaving for Korea soon.
Well, last night..sitting on the couch, we were 'arguing' over the remote, playfully. I took off my shirt, because he's so warm, that I was getting too hot. So, here I am, with him laying on me, and I'm topless...and I'm not even getting touched. Though, he did mess with my feet a bit later in the night *bleh*. Of course, this is only building on that feeling..and the questions. But, how do you even begin with something like that? How do you actually work up to say "Gee, honey, don't you want me?". I was falling asleep on the couch, it was late, and I had work this morning.
Soon, we went up to bed. He didn't even really curl up with me like he normally does. Which, normally, isn't even a big deal. I curled up on my side, and just let the thoughts come. I ended up crying a bit, not loudly, but the tears soaked the pillow.
Then...he touched me. Not sexually, but intimately. He rubbed my back a little. I almost sobbed, I was so relieved, and happy. I don't know if he knew...or if it was just good timing. The touching progressed from there...and the doubts went away. The fear that he didn't want me, was gone. That's not to say that I won't ever feel that way again...but, in that moment, I knew beyond any doubt, that he wanted me. Sexually, emotionally...all of it. Perhaps I read too much into things...but, in this, if I am...please, let it be.

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