onyx (onyxangel) wrote,
onyx
onyxangel

Catching up on journals, I have to say that I envy those who seem to be finding their niche in life. I still seem to be lost and adrift when it comes to certain things, and I wonder when my time will come. Magically speaking, I'm half at an impasse....I have my little patch of the path, and it doesn't seem to grow much. I think that maybe I'm not meant to see the rest of the path...but then I have to wonder why I can't? I mean, I know nothing specific....but, can I at least know there's a path for me? Perhaps I'm on the wrong path, and that's why I don't see it. I don't mind that so much, except, that I don't know where to begin finding the right path.
And lately, my life has been pretty much the house and the baby. I feel stuck. Not in a I'm going to leave everything behind because I'm going nowhere kind of stuck...if that makes sense. Just..stuck. Like I'm rooted to this spot..and I wonder when it'll be time for me to move on again. I talk to people...and I find that I talk about my son the most. Not that this is bad...but, not everyone wants to hear the nitty gritty details of my 4 month old. Unfortunately, he's what I have to talk about. I could talk about my cat...but, really, even he's not associating with me much lately.
Alienated and alone. I feel so disconnected from the rest of the world sometimes. I keep thinking 'if I do this or that' things will get better....but, I don't seem to motivate myself real well to do those things. And when I do, I feel good...for a little while. Then it all starts again. I have my son....I have my computer. Lately, I've begun to feel like ....I don't know. I'm a convenience. I try to talk to him...but, communication is supposed to work both ways. I don't even get it on simple things so much anymore. Its all the little things he used to do .....*sigh*
I got some hair dye. Its not a lot..but maybe it'll help freshen me up some. Its time for a change, I know that....I'm going to go stir crazy otherwise. Even my journal of late has been lacking. Filled with the menial things I do with my day, if that. When I look at things, I wonder if I'm fighting depression or if my observations are what they are. I feel like I'm spiraling. I mean, post partum is only supposed to last the 4-6 weeks, right? Maybe I've had depression all along and just dealt with it....
I don't know anymore. I hate feeling 'stuck'.
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