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So, there's a lot going on right now. Not all of it positive. Granted, its not all negative either...which is probably good, because I think I'd go nuts.
We have to move. And while part of me wants to be really upset about this, the greater part of me understands the reasons. And in the face of that understanding, all the anger fades. Given the current situation, if I were there, I'd do the same I'm sure. At least, now, its a friendly parting....and that means a lot. I've enjoyed the company, and being able to live here. I'd like for that enjoyment of friendship to continue....so, better to end things as they are then wait until any last vestige of a friendship is destroyed.
Part of me is relieved. I know what's going to happen...now, its just a matter of figuring out *how* its going to happen. Part of me is excited to move...its a change. Its new, its exciting, its scary. We'll have a place just for our family, with no housemates. And, maybe, that's what we need right now. So, no, I can't be angry. There are positives to this as well.
I know that we can rebuild from this, I just hope its soon. The stress is almost too much to bear...for us both, I think. We've talked some, but I end up feeling like what I've said is empty air. There's so much I've kept bottled up, simply because I'm getting tired of repeating it...and it not having any affect whatsoever on day to day life. And, to top it off...I've felt like I've become uninteresting, even to the man who loves me. I'm sure this is just a bump in our road, but sometimes, I really do wonder.
I have given in to wondering if things would be simpler as a single parent. Again, there are positives and negatives to this. But, I'm not sure I'm ready to seriously contemplate going down that road yet. Part of me thinks that I should stay, because it -is- a hard time, and if we get through it, we'll be that much stronger. We aren't married, but part of being committed to someone is going through thick and thin with them. I'm just beginning to wonder if it outweighs the possible reward. I don't want to take my son from his father, or his sister. Those are considerations, though not all of what holds me here.
Its strange, because when I do think about possibly moving on. (Again, its contemplation, no actual plans to do so...more of a 'what if' deal, if that makes sense)...I don't think of moving on with someone else. I think of moving on on my own, with my son of course. I realized this morning, with something of a jolt, that every time I've made the choice to leave things in the past, its always been to be with someone else, never to be on my own. Not that I've not been on my own, because I have....but, those were times when I've been left behind. Oddly, the times I've been left behind far outreach the times I've actively chosen to leave. This, to me, seems like progress in some ways. I'm finally thinking that I can make it on my own, and I don't -need- anyone to help me in a romantic sense. Yeah, sure, I need help...friends and the like, but that's different. I'm proud of myself for this way of thinking...for finally believing that I -can- find a way to make it on my own. Granted, I may not have to....but, the belief that I can is refreshing. Oh, I don't think that it'll be easy necessarily, but that's alright.
Its been suggested that he go see a doctor for depression. I'm thinking that really wouldn't be a bad idea for either of us.

Comments

( 1 Feathers — Drop A Feather )
sm101
Nov. 26th, 2003 08:40 am (UTC)
Wow, Very impressive. It takes great strength to know you are willing and able to strike it out on your own, even with keeping things the way they are currently with your partner, it shows you have grown great inner strength. Many times the hardest thing is trying to figure out if one is able to make it on their own without a partner. Knowing you can is probably one of the biggest steps you will ever make in this life. This means you are strong and no one can ever tell you different. This strength will help you in this relationship and any others you may have in the future, but most of all it will help in your relationship with your son as he grows.

( 1 Feathers — Drop A Feather )

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