onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

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Ever get to the point..

of being so tired and yet beyond that? To the point where you wonder if you should even bother trying to sleep? That's where I'm at. Its almost 6:30 am, and I'm wide awake...and tired. I'm not sure its worth going to sleep right now. D will be up in a few minutes, and then in a little while Pan needs to be up for school. Not to mention that Jae will likely need feeding soon, and Garrett will be up shortly after Pan, most likely. Ugh.
I'm up so early because my tummy was gurgly earlier. Its calmed down now, but... *sigh* Note to self: apparently chocolate milk before bed is not a good idea. I didn't even have a full glass, damnit. Maybe I'll just go take a shower before everyone's up and put the clothes in the dryer. Maybe, if I get going soon enough, I can even fold them without little hands trying to help me.
To keep myself occupied, I went through some personal ads on Bondage.com. I ended up reading the weblog of someone, and it got me thinking. In truth, I was (still am) rather fascinated by it. He writes so beautifully and eloquently. I wish that I had that kind of talent when I record my own thoughts. Of course, I am my own worst critic. When I write my stories, I'm fairly confident in my talent. Oh, sure, I have my moments of "God this sucks..." but, really, I have faith in my muse. What I write does mean something to me, and is an expression of what I think or feel...but it isn't the same as journaling. When I write my journal, it seems as if the muse has left my side and things come out not at all like I'd like. Nothing seems to come across with the clarity I feel, or the script that scrolls across my mind. That is often eloquent, to my own thinking, but is rarely transposed here. The script more often than not forgotten by the time I reach my keyboard.
Maybe someday I'll learn the art of retention. I find topics so fascinating, that I spend the time I have in the car simply thinking on all the facets of it...only to forget as I walk in the door. Chaos rules supreme in my house, and leaves little room for creativety of late. -sigh- Perhaps journaling is a evolution in progress. Perhaps it reflects me in that manner, whether I mean for it to or not. After all, isn't that what I am? Evolution in progress? I found that I liked this guy's style a lot. Now, how to incorporate it..make it part of mine? Evolve it into something unique onto me? Isn't that what writing is? I tend to do that..find a style that I like, incorporate it into my way of writing and evolve it into something new, something that fits me. Thus, my style changes...and, I think, in some ways, I change.

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