onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

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Random things

I had a whole list of things I was going to write about. Yet, here I sit, with little to say. Figures.
Oh! I have that job from Donnelly. I start on Monday at noon. The only draw back is that they need availability from noon to midnight Monday through Sunday. Still, its better than nothing. I'm looking foward to it. Mom said she'd take care of the kids, if we can pay her something. She said it didn't have to be much. I'm sure we'll be able to afford a couple hundred a month for her...much cheaper than daycare. Though, I do want Garrett to go to daycare at least part time. He needs to be around kids his own age now, and I know he loves it when there are other kids around.
We were taking another outer grove BTW class, but I got an email yesterday asking if we could skip this one and join the next due to the number of students. He didn't want to ask, but since we've taken the class before, he felt we were the best candidates to step aside. I understand that, and have no issue with it. May be better at this point, actually. Given that I just got a new job, and the schedule isn't a set schedule. However, I was liking the theme of getting to know yourself.
I'd like to keep up on this theme. The teacher was having us journal at least 30 minutes a week on what we observe and feel. I think that I'd like to continue that, both online and handwritten. I want my kids to grow up confident in themselves. I must set the example on that. To do that, I have to get to know myself better...and deal with the things that come along. Oh, it won't be an easy 'fix', and likely it'll be a lifelong project...but, I'd like to boost my confidence where I can. I think journaling will help with that...even if it is just "I did this today and I'm proud of myself" or whatever.
In this vein, I think I'd like to join Curves with one of my paychecks. I'm comfortable with my body, for the most part. Yet, I know that I can look much better. Excerize will give me energy too, and this is good. I want to do this for myself...for my health as well as my own self esteem. Yes, the looks win out as the major motivation, but that's alright..its motivation, right? I've always believed that if I'm happy with myself on the inside (so to speak), that my environment will reflect that. I don't expect it to happen magically, of course. But, I think with more energy, more self-esteem and the like, the house will eventually get to where I like it. And, I'll have the energy to keep it that way. Maybe here with so many people its a fruitless battle, but I have to at least try.
Outward environment isn't just the house though - its the people who are attracted to me (friends or otherwise), and to whom I'm attracted. Its a multitude of things I can't think of. I'm excited about the prospect of joining and -doing- something. I just can't seem to motivate myself around the house..maybe getting out to work and excersize will help with that. The other thing with working is it gives me a sense of being able to take care of myself. It assures me that if something happened, I could take care of myself and the kids. Not that a part time job would do it, but its a start...and its good to feel less dependant financially. I know that his money is my money, and he's always viewed it that way. D doesn't deny me funds unless we simply don't have the money. He buys me what I want or need without question...rarely complains if I impulse buy. I take care of his kids..I know, intellectually, that I've -earned- that money too. Still, it feels like I'm entirely dependant on him, and I don't like that.

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