onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

Its dangerous when I can't sleep. I think too much. In the midst of this wonderful, happy, gooey gushing feeling...I'm hit with an emotional pain so intense that its a physical reaction. I thought I was done grieving, I was ready to move on...to be happy. Even so little as a year ago, I was so sure of things, of where my life was, where it was headed..who would be in it. And even though I watched it unravel for months, watched it die, it still feels like someone's pulled the rug out from under me. I'm left to put the pieces back together...only it doesn't seem that I have the puzzle. Yes, I cried...I gathered the pillows around me, so as not to wake my sleeping daughter with my sobs.
Now..I just feel...empty. Empty. Its a feeling I should be used to. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and it scares me. I don't know how I'm going to make it...how I'm going to raise the kids on my own. Nothing's going like I planned, like I wanted. My kids are sick - and I can't afford to buy them cold medicine. Oh, they'll be fine...but, I feel like such a horrible let-down of a mother. I can't afford to buy my daughter the one toy that I want to get her for her first birthday (which was yesterday, btw)...and I feel like shit. How am I going to provide for them when I'm so overwhelmed with something as simple as housework?
On many levels things are much better, and I can feel it. I know it, the kids know it. I'm happier, even with this..and it shows, I think. I try to remain positive, try to look on the 'bright side', but this morning.....it just feels like a big gaping hole in front of me. There's an abyss beneath my feet, and I'm scrabbling to hold onto the edge. There's a light...but, I don't want to reach for it just yet. Too quick, too new. I'd only be falling into the same old patterns...and I want my life to change, to be better...for the kids, for me. I want to pull myself out of the mire...I know that I can do it. But, logic has little to do with emotion. I assure myself, try to tell myself that I'm better, that this won't last.
I'm alright...I'm just...faltering. I'm allowed.

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