Now..I just feel...empty. Empty. Its a feeling I should be used to. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and it scares me. I don't know how I'm going to make it...how I'm going to raise the kids on my own. Nothing's going like I planned, like I wanted. My kids are sick - and I can't afford to buy them cold medicine. Oh, they'll be fine...but, I feel like such a horrible let-down of a mother. I can't afford to buy my daughter the one toy that I want to get her for her first birthday (which was yesterday, btw)...and I feel like shit. How am I going to provide for them when I'm so overwhelmed with something as simple as housework?
On many levels things are much better, and I can feel it. I know it, the kids know it. I'm happier, even with this..and it shows, I think. I try to remain positive, try to look on the 'bright side', but this morning.....it just feels like a big gaping hole in front of me. There's an abyss beneath my feet, and I'm scrabbling to hold onto the edge. There's a light...but, I don't want to reach for it just yet. Too quick, too new. I'd only be falling into the same old patterns...and I want my life to change, to be better...for the kids, for me. I want to pull myself out of the mire...I know that I can do it. But, logic has little to do with emotion. I assure myself, try to tell myself that I'm better, that this won't last.
I'm alright...I'm just...faltering. I'm allowed.