onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

Things churning in this brain of mine

Lately, I've been giving much thought to life, love and myself. I've been
trying to reign myself in from getting caught up - in anything. I've been
processing what it is I see, feel and want into something tangible. Several
times this task has given me pause and given me opportunity to search

I believe that if someone is meant to be with me, they will be. If I let go
just enough and have just enough patience, they will find their way back to
me. Does this mean I sit back and do nothing? No, not necessarily. What it
does mean is that I need to learn when to sit back and wait....and
when to actively make myself known. This seems to be a fine line, and
require just about near perfect timing. Miss a stage, and the person's
gone...either because you did something at the wrong time, or you did
nothing when you should have done something.

Even if you've met the person you're 'meant' to be with, it doesn't mean
that now is the time. Lets not forget that each of us has lessons to
learn, and perhaps a few more need to be learned before the desire effect is
attained. Yes, I will admit to grandiose ideas of love. I fall prey to that
rose-colored view of love and romance. I believe fairy tale loves are
possible, if rare.

I'm discovering that I don't really know when to move and when to stay
still. This can be a bit daunting, in that I see what I want.....or at
least, what I think I want....and I'm paralyzed by a sense of ...something.
Fear? Maybe. I get caught up in the "But he likes so and so better." "She
has more to offer than I do", etc. I do fine with my self-esteem, until its

For instance, my friend and I often have the same men around us. They like
her, they like me...they enjoy playing with us both. This is fine, for the
most part....until I start thinking "He's going to like her better
because....(insert any number of reasons here). The problem is, I almost
always think that. I'm half convinced I live in her shadow...and I'm not
sure why. Where did these thoughts come from? Why can't I be as confident in
myself as I think I am? In the face of this, I get disappointed and upset
with myself. I like to think I'm a confident woman. I like to think I have a
decent grasp of reality. I notice that when I slip in my confidence is in
these kind of situations.

My lesson here - which has everything to do with life, love and myself - is
to learn to face that challenge. To learn to bring myself out of the shadow
of others, so to speak. I need to figure out how to gain confidence in
myself that's not typically shaken by the 'comparison' of another. Of
course, if I didn't compare myself to others, I'd win half the batter. Too
bad there isn't a little switch that can be thrown to fix this issue.

I'm a good woman. I'm a good mother. I enjoy who I am, even if I get a
little lost along the way of discovering me. I surround myself with people
who would not intentionally hurt me - with people who I can trust and
haven't given me a reason not to. Yet, I find myself holding back...out of
fear. Fear that I won't live up to expectations, fear that I really can't
trust these people - who knows what they do or say when I'm not around? I
feel no driving need to be constantly around anyone...that would drive me as
nuts as it would them, I think.

When it comes down to it, I need to learn the rules of love. I need to
figure out what it is I want. Then, I need to figure out how to see
that in others. Last, I need to learn where that line of "sit and wait" and
"act now" are and not step over it.

Most of all, I need to find a true sense of confidence in myself.

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