onyx (onyxangel) wrote,


I got curious as to how long I've had my journal. It's been since 2001, which is interesting in itself, but not enough to make me post. Of course, I had to revisit the past - see how much things have changed. I found that some things...don't. Here's a clip that is still more or less true for me, the original was posted back in 2001.

I like the fear, that's what gets my blood pounding. I'm not a pain slut by any means..but give me some fear, let me dance on the edge, and I'll fly. I'm not sure why dancing on the edge appeals to me so much. Maybe its the age old romance of it - you know, wanting to be one of the wild girls or something. I can feel that girl inside me, wanting out. The thing is, I don't know how to get her out. The me that's prominant wants things nice and neat and orderly, even safe. There's comfort in routine, and I find that comfort. Yet, there she is lingering, crying to get out...and I find myself wanting to let her out, but unsure of how to unlock the nice neat little cage she's in. Maybe that fear is how I know you dominate me. Its the manifestation of the emotion? Its 'forcing' me to trust you completely, even for just a little while. And, well, trust is an incredibly difficult thing for me - especially when it comes to men. I've run the gambit, cheated on, left behind (most of the time, its me who tries to cling to the relationship, to make it work), beaten (not in a good way), choked, nearly killed (in my own opinion). All this has left me terrified of men and relationships. Ever since that *one*, none of my relationships have lasted - and I've gone from one extreme to the other. Now, I feel like I'm finding middle ground - and I have a relationship that's working...its fitting in all the right ways. There's still some elements missing, on the kink side, but that's because we're just learning each other and exploring - its not due to a lack of interest or desire. But, that fear, is needed. I crave it. Perhaps its that, in that fear, I am helpless. Utterly helpless...

I still dance on the edge when I can, but I've not yet learned to fly. Not really - a mere fledgling that's flapped her wings in the nest but never been pushed from the branch. My life is..mundane. It's normal, boring...unexciting and certainly nothing to fear, because there *is* comfort in routine.
That wild girl still lingers just beneath the surface, caged. Her cries are not as loud as they used to be, but they are there, plaintive...sometimes almost pleading. Six years later, I still don't know how to unlock that door for her. I've changed so much, added new experiences...but, some things are buried deep.
I still have a hard time trusting in men - in relationships. My most ....

oops, be back

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