But, this process has made me realize that there are things I have to change. I have to figure out how to have a relationship with myself again. Somewhere in the last few years, I lost a big part of me. I lost my faith in myself, in my ability to always come out of the darkness okay. I lost confidence and respect. I need to find these things again. I need to weave my beliefs and my spiritual faith into what I do, into my life. I need to teach the kids these things. But, how do I do it? How do I live my life by my spiritual faith? How do I incorporate it? How do I gain back what I lost? If I can't, then what hope do I have?
I want to have happiness, I want to find someone for me that I deserve and deserves me and the children. I want to be married, be a family with someone. But, I can't have these things yet. D used to say I have to better myself. I tried. I think, though, that I wasn't looking in the right direction or trying for the right reasons. He was right. I do need to better myself. I have to build a stronger me - I don't mean physically or even emotionally, I just mean...I guess that I have to have a stronger relationship with myself. The kids deserve to see a happy mother - with or without someone. I deserve to be happy with myself. If I can't, then who can be? And how do the kids learn to be?
I don't know how to accomplish all these things, I just know that they need to be worked on. Someone at work suggested volunteering. I'd like to - but that takes time away from the kids and it already feels like I rely on mom too much and don't get enough time with them. I need to look into volunteering *with* the kids and doing more *with* the kids as well as on my own. I need to find more social outlets. I need to allow the kids some social freedom - they rarely have friends over or go to friends' houses.
Enough of that - it's rambling now. The thoughts are out there, in the Universe. I'll work on it.
Today has been a quiet day - which is good. It's been much needed with everything going on. Yes, there's more to it than what I said above. There are things going on with the kids - G started a new school. He seems to be doing much better with his behavior, which is good. Anyway, I'll write more on that later maybe.
Today, I waled J to school and went to the coffee shop. I brought a book with me. I got breakfast and coffee and sat on their comfy couch and read for awhile. I had nothing pressing here - for once. There are things that need to be done, for sure - but they can wait. I cheated and took the bus home - but it was several blocks, some of which was uphill. Not quite ready for that. LOL. Plus, I had a gallon of milk with me. Since coming home, I've been playing on facebook and listening to Pagan music. It's made me feel better and think on things.
All in all, it's been a good, quiet day.