onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

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A new resolution

It isn't a new years thing. It's simply a new resolution. I've paid for a lifetime account on this and in the last couple years, I haven't used it much. It's a waste of space and a waste of money. So, I have made a resolution to use it. I will do that by journaling every night, before bed, about my day. It could be a list of what I've done, what I hope to do the next day, how I feel....whatever. The point is that I'm writing. Not all of my posts will be for public consumption. I have to get over my refusal to use that private setting - and/or figure out my friends posts, so I can post to certain groups if I want. So, I'm starting today - which, for me, is still the 31st, even though it's technically the 1st. That whole I haven't been to sleep yet.
I didn't get as much done as I wanted - which seems to be more usual than I'd like. I did, however, get some laundry folded and fixed the vacuum. And by fix it, I mean that I had to unscrew the hose and figure out where it was clogged. Ironically - I didn't *have* to unscrew the hose as I found the clog to be at the brush end of the hose. Figures. Still, I've been putting off dealing with the vacuum out of fear. Not fear of taking it apart, but fear that I wouldn't be able to put it back together again. I did. It was great. And I vacuumed the living room - just to prove to myself that it worked.
There were things I should have done today and didn't. I have to learn how to stop procrastinating when I don't want to deal with things. Sometimes, it's just a hassle. Sometimes I just don't want to. Sometimes it's that I don't want to deal with the confrontation. I live my life in fear...still. What if is still the most fearful question there is.
My hope with this blind writing is that eventually, I will hone it down to something meaningful. Not that the ramblings aren't...but, they aren't so much. Most of it is just..fluff. Something to say to fill the space. And, hopefully, at some point the thoughts will become more cohesive rather than twisting all over the place. I've read many bloggers who start this way - with the "blind writing" and progress.
Tomorrow, I have to look at going back to school. I don't mean just look at websites, but actively do something. As much as I grated my teeth this morning, D brought up some good points. Time is going by too fast - if I stay much longer, I'll be stuck here. It'll be too late to change for the better. It'll trickle down to the kids. I don't want that. I don't want to be stuck. But...what happens if I get out there and I fail? At any rate, I think I'm going to call ECC tomorrow for their medical billing and coding. I think that's what I've finally decided on.
I should log off and go to bed. I have to be up in the morning to get the kids off to school.

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