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Last night, talking with Jenni, I guess I realized just how much I'd drawn away. I still laugh, I still hang out, but I haven't been real close. Its all been surface things. This isn't highly unusual to me, but I guess to some it comes across as depression. Bryan is, and always will be, one of my main confidants, I tell him everying (probably knows more about me than he ever really wants to). He, so far, has mentioned nothing of seeming depression..but, that could be because he is one of a few people that aren't standing on the outside of my walls. And, I've been told they're thick. Some people have made it to like a half way point...but, very rarely do I feel that "real"ness. If that makes any sense. Since Tyr has left for Korea, I guess I have been kind of quiet and moody on the whole, and really only opened up to a few people. If I don't have plans to be somewhere, like the club, I've been at home, staring at my computer. Even that hasn't been half as entertaining on the whole as it used to be. My temper has been on a shorter fuse...and basically, for the first time since I've met Tyr, I've been left truly ungrounded.
Grounding has never been my strong point...and when I met him, even that very first day I think, he's always just sorta...well, grounded me. I don't know how else to put it...but, I don't feel half as scattered around him as I do in my daily life. Even when he wasn't literally by my side, I had the assurance that he would be..and somehow that seemed to lend to the power of it all. But, now, he's half way across the world...and there's like a small part of me missing. Its..hollow. It doesn't hurt, its just there....like looking at a tube, ya know? No pain for the most part, other than a pang of lonliness now and again. Lately, I've been feeling as if the connection wasn't there....as if it were sorta drifting and getting as scattered as I've begun to feel.
And...then he came on. I was coloring, and Jenni had the computer on to her stuff, but Tyr comes on msn, which Jenni doesn't have and doesn't always think to turn off. I talked to him. Really talked to him. I mean, it was a 5 minute conversation...but, its more than we've had recently, and it was deeper than we've had. I realized...the connection isn't gone, and it isn't fading...its just...in the background. I felt like I was his again. I wanted to laugh....and to cry. His leaving has hit me a lot harder than I ever thought it would. I've never had this simple hollowness before. I've never dealt this feeling of...aimlessness...not over someone. But, last night, talking to him, I was grounded again. I felt safe, protected....like I always feel when he's around. And I knew...that, I'm still where I belong. We may not be together...but, I still belong to him. And, I slept last night, better than I have since he's left. Okay, granted, I didn't sleep until 4 am this morning or so..but still, the few hours I did get were solid. And I didn't wake up tired this morning, despite the fact that it was only a couple hours. I didn't wake up and just sigh. I woke up, and I felt...whole. I guess that's the best way to put it. Not like I felt like a half person without him. I'm my own person, I know this, I like this, and having him around hasn't changed that. I am complete without him..but, at the same time, I'm not. I'm not saying that if he and I ever parted ways I couldn't live without him, or live happily without him. Yes, it would crush me, but I could and would go on. I'm not clingy, and I don't depend on him for survival, or to live. I don't know how to describe it other than...I'm complete, and I'm not.
I know that he talked to his ex, and they 'had it out'..I don't know exactly what was said, and it doesn't really matter to me. What matters is that I know she hurt him, and I don't like that. He was joking around and made a comment to the effect of "I thought you'd be happy she's gone". Yes, I am. I'm glad that she's no longer part of his life, I won't lie. What I don't like...is the hurt that he has to deal with. I don't like the fact that she hurt him, and I like even less that there's not a damn thing I can really do to help him. I'm not angry at her, I don't hate her...but, I was never comfortable with the idea of her in his life. Part of this stems from my own issues..part of it because I watched his reactions to her, and I've been watching him work through letting go. I know that now he'll take the steps needed to let go and move on, and I'm glad he will...I hold my breath and hope that I'm not a "rebound" (though I really don't think I am). I will be here, when he needs, to listen, to hold, whatever he needs.
I know that I've been concern about communication, or the lack there of we've been experiencing. I am assured now, that we're okay. He gave me a way to contact via phone last night :) Still no phone in his room...but, hey, I can wait for internet, its only a couple months. I know a lot of it has to do with time difference, and he's been busy at work. I'm glad that he's getting along well, making friends, keeping busy. I just hope he doesn't forget that he has someone back home ;)

Comments

lordtyr
Mar. 3rd, 2002 07:22 pm (UTC)
You are very much not forgotten
I know we don't get to talk like we used to, but you're in my thoughts, just as I am in yours. I'm not going to repeat past mistakes, so I'll never be THAT busy. Miss you. :)
onyxangel
Mar. 3rd, 2002 10:01 pm (UTC)
Re: You are very much not forgotten
You know what I love about you....when I'm at my lowest, you're always there. Even when you're thousands of miles away.

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